I suppose first things first.Â The NST went fine, they sent me home with another NST appt. for tuesday after my ob appt, permission to cancel the u/s on wed (Dr. M thought it was silly to have it then) and scheduled for induction thursday at 7:30am.Â Dr. M will be oncall thurs morning, and Dr. S-D that afternoon (which I’m ok with though I’ll still hope Dr. M catches Little).
So where does that leave us?Â Trying like mad to get things going naturally before wed night.Â I asked about the induction proceedure, and depending on the state of my cervix they’ll give me a pill to ripen things and then put me on a pitocin drip.Â I asked about breaking my water and they won’t do that until I’m in active labour (which is kinda dumb since breaking the water helps get you there and you can always use pitocin to push things along if they aren’t moving fast enough).Â I might ask Dr. L to strip my membranes when he does the cervical check on tues (who knows – they might not do that).
So what up with the pre-partum depression subject of this post?Â It’s definately on a high level tonight.Â I hate feeling like this.Â I keep trying, and failing, to remember the emotions behind our reason for another child.Â I keep feeling afraid of the labour.Â Afraid of bringing him home.Â Afraid of feeling so empty inside.Â I’m supposed to be excited.Â I’m supposed to be happy.Â Everyone else is.Â When someone comments “you must be getting excited!” and I hear their excitement for me, I don’t know what to say.Â “No, actually, I’m not.” Â I’m just shy of terrified of it all.Â I’m scared of this empty feeling.Â I’m scared that I’ve been thinking about cutting again.Â I’m scared that Ken is wrong and it *won’t* feel completely different once he’s born.Â What kind of mother am I?Â How’m I going to be a mother to 2?Â How am I going to have enough eyes and ears and arms for two people who need me so much?Â It’s perfect with Ethan right now, because it’s one-to-one and I can devote as much of me as he needs.Â Once Little is home I can’t do that, and I’ll have to slight them both.
How do I get through these hormones so that I can be the best Mother and Wife and Me for my sons and husband and self?Â I know, I know… it’ll get better.Â Time (and labour) will take away the hormones and I’ll be my usual self again.Â But that’s a long ways away, and that scares me too.