I suppose first things first.  The NST went fine, they sent me home with another NST appt. for tuesday after my ob appt, permission to cancel the u/s on wed (Dr. M thought it was silly to have it then) and scheduled for induction thursday at 7:30am.  Dr. M will be oncall thurs morning, and Dr. S-D that afternoon (which I’m ok with though I’ll still hope Dr. M catches Little).

So where does that leave us?  Trying like mad to get things going naturally before wed night.  I asked about the induction proceedure, and depending on the state of my cervix they’ll give me a pill to ripen things and then put me on a pitocin drip.  I asked about breaking my water and they won’t do that until I’m in active labour (which is kinda dumb since breaking the water helps get you there and you can always use pitocin to push things along if they aren’t moving fast enough).  I might ask Dr. L to strip my membranes when he does the cervical check on tues (who knows – they might not do that).

So what up with the pre-partum depression subject of this post?  It’s definately on a high level tonight.  I hate feeling like this.  I keep trying, and failing, to remember the emotions behind our reason for another child.  I keep feeling afraid of the labour.  Afraid of bringing him home.  Afraid of feeling so empty inside.  I’m supposed to be excited.  I’m supposed to be happy.  Everyone else is.  When someone comments “you must be getting excited!” and I hear their excitement for me, I don’t know what to say.  “No, actually, I’m not.”   I’m just shy of terrified of it all.  I’m scared of this empty feeling.  I’m scared that I’ve been thinking about cutting again.  I’m scared that Ken is wrong and it *won’t* feel completely different once he’s born.  What kind of mother am I?  How’m I going to be a mother to 2?  How am I going to have enough eyes and ears and arms for two people who need me so much?  It’s perfect with Ethan right now, because it’s one-to-one and I can devote as much of me as he needs.  Once Little is home I can’t do that, and I’ll have to slight them both.

How do I get through these hormones so that I can be the best Mother and Wife and Me for my sons and husband and self?  I know, I know… it’ll get better.  Time (and labour) will take away the hormones and I’ll be my usual self again.  But that’s a long ways away, and that scares me too.

I have an NST this evening.  The dr said that they may see it, and my bp, and decide to induce me right away.  That’s fine, though I’m hoping they’ll understand when I say “actually, I need to call my MiL to come watch my son and go get my husband from home so I’ll be back in 5-6hrs, k?”   I hope they’re flexible like that (hA!).

From my annual monthly reading, December got me The Hanging Man as my occurance card, and the 7 of Swords as my influence.  The Hanging Man is a period of transition and a pause in activity and encourages you to let matters evolve without interference (more info here).  It’s a frustrating card to have for right now, since I want things to *not* be paused and I want very much to interfere and hurry things along.  However, that being said there’s really nothing I *can* do anyways, so it may just be a reminder of that fact.

The 7 of Swords is a good card to have for my influence right now.  It speaks of confidence in oneself, strategy, diplomacy, communication and being able to defend myself in a difficult situation (more info here).  Perhaps in dealing with the dr’s?  Best outcome of that would be convicing Dr. L tomorrow to let me go another few days and see if Little makes his appearance on his own.  Another good outcome would be if they’d agree to a non-chemical means of induction (stripping or water breaking) to see if things would get going more on their own without the pitocin.  We’ll know more on that tomorrow.

So all in all it’s a good set of cards for this month.  Seems to be on track with the expected happenings shortly, though whether they’re applying simply to that or to more of the month I won’t know yet.

Well, we’re still here and still pregnant. I’m pleased about that, since I truely do enjoy being pregnant and there’s always the possibility this will be the last time.

Little is certainly running out of room now! He doesn’t move as much, but when he does boy do I feel it. Even the smallest movement, sometimes. It’s neat, and irritating, all at once. Like with Ethan, he has fairly established quiet and active times, so I have an idea of when he’ll be most active during the day if he sticks to it. He’s getting big… weighing between 6-7.5lbs (my guestimate is slightly over 7lbs). Good thing my hips expanded the other day, I guess. We’ll know more accurately on Wed when I go for my last u/s. I’m excited about that, of course, since it’ll be the last glimpse I have of him before he’s born. That is… unless he’s born before that happens!

After the cervical check the other day, I (as warned by the dr) had some bloody show – though very little. There’s been more of the mucus plug released, too. I’m having more cervical aching when BH contractions hit, too, which is encouraging. I’ll be interested to see how much/if any change has happened when I next see Dr. L (Tues I believe).

This week’s belly pic (along with last week’s and the week before). From the front (last week and the week before). Naked! (last week and the week before).

Maybe I have to be truely nekkid for the hippiness to shine through – but you’re not going to get that. Be grateful. I don’t see as much change from last week to this, but from 36wks to this week I certainly do!  I did a quick line up of all the basic belly pics the other day and it’s really pretty incredible to see.  I’d hoped to do an animated version at some point, but I don’t know that I’ll have the time after Little is born… at least not for a while.  I hope you’ll be patient with us.

Thursday means more pictures of my burgeoning belly (we’ll see if the camera shows the hippy-hippy action I’ve got going on now), once I’ve got some clothes washed.  Speaking of which, it’s laundry day, and not a day too soon considering I have a total of two pair of pants I can wear right now (and they’re both dirty), and minimal shirts (mostly tanktops with a shrug tossed on for warmth).  That being said, I have the prospect of new clothes ahead of me (yay), as Sharon (MiL) sent me an Old Navy gift card along with a birthday card.  Thankfully, this year seems to have several styles of shirts that will lend themselves to breastfeeding.  Everything’ll be a size up from my usual size (which was bigger than I was happy being anyways) so they’ll hopefully fit well.  3 cami’s, a shirt, pants, sweater, and cardigan should cover me for a while.  I figure with the cami’s I can wear them under shirts and nurse around them (make the arm holes bigger or give them boob holes).

Last night I finished one of Mr. Man’s socks.  Very cute, and it fit just the way I was hoping it would.  Now to get #2 done, which hopefully won’t take as long as the first – I was slacking a bit the last week.

1. Thou shalt only have the urge to pee as directly relates to the quantity in thine bladder.

2. Thou shalt never have to suffer a nauseous stomach/flu bug and contractions (real or BH) at the same time.

3. Thine fetus shall respect a nauseous stomach and not kick it.

4. Thy doctors shall respect thee as an intelligent woman, yet still make sure to explain the basics (i.e. practice policies, stages of labour).

5. Thou shalt never feel tightness in thy maternity pants, which previously fit perfectly, at the end of thine pregnancy.

Thus ends this installment of Pregnancy Laws of Nature.  More entries into the lawbooks may or may not be forthcoming.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think the dr’s office or the universe (or both) were playing mind games with me.

I called the dr’s office and explained to the nurse that, if they’re going to induce me anyways and it’s only a week away I’d rather just bite the bullet and do it now.  She said she’d talk to Dr. L when he got in this afternoon and call me back.  Dr. L says that he doesn’t want to do anything before 39wks unless medically necessary.  Now… the Kelly of last week says “yay!  someone on my side who wants me to go as far as possible!”  the Kelly of last night says “well what the hell?!  do they or don’t they want to “pop” me early?!

So… yeah.  We’re back to the original plan of keep on, keepin’ on.  Which is great.  I’m not in any hurry to end this pregnancy because of my own reasons… I’m just trying to maintain even a tiny measure of control of the situation.  Alas, that is not to be.

At least I was able to reschedule friday’s NST for a better timeslot.  The dr’s office did it yesterday and had me for 2pm (she said it’s the latest they could fit me in).  Well I called just now and they fit me in for the usual 5:30pm spot that works best for us (absolute latest they’re willing to take and they try to avoid doing it that late anyways).  Part of the reason they had me a bit earlier, I think, was so that the dr would be oncall and they could confer about my results and decide then and there whether to induce me.  However, the big reason they’re worried is because my bp which was up a tad yesterday but not any more than any other time it’s been up a tad and it comes down when I’m not anxious (which I was).

So I guess we have the next week and a half to try and get Little moving.  It’s nice to know my pineapple eating, vacuuming, walking around, staying relaxed, etc is all working – at least enough to get me 2-3cm.   If, in roughly 5 days we’ve got 2-3cm, then 10 days should have me almost fully dilated and ready to go.  That’s next friday, and right past when I hit 39wks.  I can live with that.

The NST went fine, first and foremost. Ken and I had talked about me trying to see Dr. M to tell her Little’s name because she was the only person we told Ethan’s name to, and days later I went into labour. Superstitious? Only a little. She was the dr on call at the hospital (I heard her talking outside my room) and I’d hoped to chat her up there, but she ended up being busy so ahh well, off to the ob office (across the street) for my appt.
They got me into the ob office quickly, which is a change, and flew through the usual weight (+31 I’ve lost a lb), urine protein trace (nothing to be concerned about), bp kinda high. She redid my bp with the larger cuff and though the lower number dropped a bit the higher one didn’t. Dr S-D came in and we chatted. He wasn’t a huge jerk today, surprisingly enough. Quite congenial and pleasant. He did the cervical check and, though a bit achy from it, it’s no worse than the cervical achy I’ve had occasionally lately. I’m 70% effaced (0 is not at all, 100% is rarin’ ta go) and 2-3cm dilated. Because my bp was up they rescheduled my NST for friday (at 2pm, grr). His reasoning, he said, was that if they decide they need to induce me they’ll have more dr’s around on friday as opposed to saturday. Dr. S-D mentioned that because “the line is drawn in the sand as to how far they’re willing to let me go” (aka 39wks), that my cervix already doing some of the work on it’s own means an induction would go much better – the hardest part of an induction is getting the cervix to open up. So, good news, more or less.

I bumped into Dr. M on my way out, luckily. We chatted some, her congratulating me on making it this far and me explaining to her that, because of last time, I’d like to tell her Little’s name. I did, and she bent over and addressed him directly, requesting he make his arrival soon. She’s a great dr, and very approachable (and also has a great sense of humour).

Ken and I have talked about it and I’m going to call the ob office tomorrow and talk to at least a nurse, if not one of the dr’s. We’re going to let them know that we’d like to schedule the induction (with their blessing – which I haven’t any doubts of getting at this point), and I’m going to see if I can find out which dr’s are on call which days and schedule around someone we like (Dr. M, ideally, or Dr. L). Or, barring that, we’re thinking thurs (pm)/fri. I’ll be at 38wks this thursday.

It’s not quite what I’d hoped for, but at this point it’s getting too hard to schedule the appts and they’re likely going to induce me anyways so we figure we might as well take *some* control of when and make the best of it. I’m still scared about the induction, but maybe it won’t be *so* bad, and I’m scared about the labour anyways so what’s a bit more fear, eh? Heck, these days, when the hormones have me ‘a fearin’, everything’s pretty scary.

So we’ll see what the dr’s say tomorrow. Maybe they’ll nix the whole idea and have me keep going anyways. Maybe they’ll rejoice in me agreeing to induce earlier than 39wks. Who knows.

I wondered, early this morning when I couldn’t sleep, why oh why my hips were aching so much.  I hadn’t done anything yesterday to aggrivate them.  What gives?  This morning, the mirror showed me what I couldn’t understand in the dead of night.  No kidding, my hips spread by at least 2″ last night.  I’ve been keeping an eye on my waistline – guaging how fat I look/don’t look by the fact that it still goes in a tiny bit at the waist.  The hourglass curve is still there, despite the belleh.  Now?  BIGGER HOURGLASS!  Though, I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I was pretty happy with the previous shape.  Ahh well.  I suppose it’ll help in the upcoming birth.  It’s not like I can wrap my hips in a belt and cinch it really tight to make them smaller again.   Maybe they’ll shrink a bit after a few months post-partum.

Went better than expected today. This morning I didn’t remember to drink anything first thing, so I was expecting there to be urine in my protein – there was nothing. My bp was down, too. Little was super active and we finished up in very little time. I think I had a new nurse because she acted as such and made comments like “because of the type-1 diabetes we like you to talk to the dr after each nst”… which nobody has *ever* said before. No worries since it was Dr. L. He came in and commented about my morning fasting sugar being 120 and I told him it was because the contra-insulin hormones are ramping up again and that I was adjusting my night insulin but that it takes a few days to find the magical combination. He questioned what I took last night and I told him as well as my plans for tonight. Then he asked if increasing by one unit (my standard with nighttime insulin changes) was sufficient and I explained that I didn’t want to be too hasty and end up rebounding at night, and also that I wake up 2-3 times a night anyways and test each time and take some short acting insulin if I need to. He acted surprised, at hearing that, and seemed much more willing to let me do my thing – commenting that though “the placenta makes your insulin needs increase in some unusual ways” I “seem to have a handle on it”. FINALLY someone’s noticed!

Ethan, big, cute goofball that he is, has started definately referring to himself as “my” and “I”. He’s also got a grasp of the words “stop it” and, like just now, uses them in context that’s pretty amusing. Ken is gaming, and was just fighting a battle in his game. From the kitchen we hear Ethan saying “Daddy! Stop it!” (in reference to the battle sounds). Too cute! He’s also starting to say “I love you” spontaneously… not usually directly to us, but still… Ken also thinks he’s been saying “Dabit” (damn it) a few times… which is about as close to cursing as we come in front of him. SO IMPRESSIONABLE!

I also bought myself a needle case on ebay. Did a “pay now” one, so I don’t have to worry about outbidding someone (not expensive and not much difference between the ones being bid on and the pay now ones, anyways). It’s really pretty (the blue one) and I’m looking forward to getting it. It’ll fit all my needles, I believe… both single and double-pointed ones. I’m looking forward to receiving it.

I tried out the silicone muffin pan this morning… LOVE IT! I’m trying out the crock pot right now and really enjoy the timer feature… it counts down the time remaining, which means no glancing at the clock to guess when dinner will be done. It’ll be done in 46 minutes!

Well, despite the hype about how horrid it is to shop today, we went out anyways. We got Ethan’s glasses adjusted so they’ll fit better, we picked up the hard-to-find smallcase letter set for his Leap Frog fridge letters set (which he’s currently going through and investigating all the new letters), and we even went to Wally world. It wasn’t much worse than shopping on any weekend there. We went in case they had any special sales (nope, but no biggie) because we needed a new dvd player (since our old one became posessed), a new crock pot (though for much cheaper than that price listed) which has the low/high/keep warm settings as well as a programmable timer and a removable crock for dishwasher cleaning. All things I wanted, so here’s hoping the heat function works better than the last one. I also got a silicone muffin pan (red, naturally) because I tried making muffins this morning without muffin cups *gasp* and they.failed.miserably. I got them out of the pan… for the most part. They tasted their usual delicious taste (chocolate chocolate chip raspberry). They had no bottoms (as those stuck to the pan). I greased the pan, honest!! So we’ll try silicone and see if I have better luck with that. I also got a cute set of Anchor Hocking “custard cups” (with lids, though!) that’ll be perfect for pudding and molten chocolate cake and yummies like that (and the lids seal *really* well). The lids are even microwave and dishwasher safe! Ken got Final Fantasy XII, so he’s a happy camper. That being said, I think he’s crazy to think he’ll have gaming time after Little is born, but who’m I to get between a gamer and his games.

On the baby front, ever since last night I’ve been feeling some new contractiony feelings. The same as my previous BH contractions, but there’s an added lower abdominal pain that goes with them sometimes. I also noted, while walking around this morning, that he’s definately dropped more and giving me the “full” feeling (described by some women as the “bowling ball between the legs” or “baby’s gonna fall out” feeling). When I woke up this morning I felt some additional anxiety concerning getting things done before he’s born (my version of nesting), so I won’t be surprised if he comes soon (though won’t be disappointed if he takes his time).

So we’ve had a good day. The only drawback is that Ethan couldn’t get to sleep once we got home and the lack of nap is causing some…. frustration. It’s early to bed for Mr. Man tonight!

Well, we’ve made it full-term now. Anywhere from here on out means Little will be able to handle life in the real world (barring unforseen issues). Little is 6lbs, so says babycenter.com, however considering he’s been gaining 1/2lb per week and weighed 5.5lbs 2wks ago, I’m going to hazard that he’s closer to 6.5lbs right now. He’s around 20″ long, also. It’s stunning to me to imagine birthing such a large baby. Considering Ethan weighed 2.5lbs and was 14″ long, Little is giNORmous. I hope I can manage it. (with my big birthin’ hips, I should be fine)

I’ve grown this past week… again. My placenta is growing too, as my insulin requirements are going up again. My ankles/feet continue to swell if I sit for too long or stand for too long (though sitting is worse), and my fingers have swollen just a tiny bit – however since I tend to wear my wedding band snugly, it’s now swinging from a necklace around my neck. The necklace was my Gram’s, and (though I’ve removed it for the moment) it usually holds a locket that was special to her that had pictures of my Mom and Dad in it. It’s comforting to me, the combination of Gram/Mom/Dad and my wedding band.

The BH contractions are getting a tiny bit stronger these days. Not a lot, but they have a hint of pain added to them. They hit me in the evenings, mostly. I’m not sleeping well again. I wake up every 1.5-2hrs at night… sometimes sleeping for a whole 3-4hrs in the early hours before the alarm goes off – though I’ve been waking up 15-30mins before that happens and just laying in bed staring at the wall. I’ve had some bouts of insomnia too, usually just for an hour or so in the middle of the night. Anxiety, I’d guess. I’ve had a cluster of dreams about the birth. Last night it was 3 separate dreams, in a row, about my water breaking. I’m kinda hoping it breaks in a convenient place like the shower or when I’m on the toilet or something. If it has to break at all (didn’t with Ethan, so I’m kinda hoping).

Lately, when I catch a glimpse of myself, I’m rather astounded at how big I’m getting. I’m creeping away from “Wow, I look great!” and toward “Wow, I look *so* pregnant!”

Here’s this week’s photos: standard sideways pic (last week and the week before)

From the front (last week, 2wks ago)

and Naked belly! (with the past two weeks)

It’s Thanksgiving, and though we don’t do the turkey thing in the future we’ll likely start doing a roast of some sort (y’know, once Ethan is willing to eat non-processed meat and I’m not 9m pregnant), I tend to have the thankful spirit. Today, however, I just want to bitch’n'whine. I know it’s hormones and being tired and at least partly my blood sugars being a little off (yay for placental growth again!). I hate feeling like this, though. I ache. Everything below my boobs aches. It used to be that I could get up or shift position and the ache would ease up or go away. Nope. It just changes location.

And I’m hungry but not hungry…. which, as we all know, the only cure for that is eating crap food but I finished what was left of the ice cream last night, and the splurge-bought donuts from last weekend were done yesterday afternoon. We don’t tend to have a lot of crap food in the house, so all that’s left is the cupcakes from last night (which aren’t crap food, but neither can I call them healthy… although no eggs means lower cholesterol, right?).

Ethan’s also being a super PITA today, too. No reason that we can discern, he’s just being whiney and tantrumy. Angry Thursday, indeed. :/

Yes, you *do* want to know this stuff! Admit it, I won’t laugh.

I asked last night and the dr’s office does do internal exams, starting next week. Sadly it’ll be Dr. Dick, but at least I’ll see how his non-clerical bedside manner is. :/

Also, I’ve concluded that I did lose my plug a few days ago. Yesterday and today have gone back to pre-possibly-plug levels. Yay for cervix opening! Too bad this doesn’t actually mean anything in concrete terms. Just that I “could go into labour anytime in the next few weeks”. Well DUH!

We win. Or I win. My ultimate goal for this pregnancy was to make it to this day. We’re here, I’m still pregnant, and it’s the best present I could possibly have. (I’ll talk about presents later this evening, though.)

So now, today, I’m ready to start “trying”. I’ve got the list of recommended activities… walking, relaxation (massage, baths, etc), other stuff. The walking would be nicer if it weren’t so cold out, but I plan on nagging Ken into going for a few walks with me anyways. I think my pelvic bones will appreciate it, especially, since they’ve been extra achy lately and always hurt the most in the transition between sitting and standing. I figure it’s part spreading, part baby pressure, part stiffness.

I had a dream last night that I went into labour, but when Sharon arrived it stopped and I couldn’t even remember what labour symptoms I’d had that would make me think I was *in* labour (I had the intention of, once I knew which ones, starting them up somehow). There haven’t been any symptoms, really. Granted, hindsight is 20/20, so maybe there have that I haven’t noticed, but I doubt it. That’s fine. I can wait. Good things come to those who wait.