I had three nightmares last night. Each progressively worse. I won’t go into detail because I’d really rather not bring them back. Ken helped me to feel better later this morning though, so I’m ok.

I’ll be finishing the sweater today and starting on the pants. Things are going quickly, which is nice because it’ll mean the next sweater/pants set I make should take as much time, then the sweater for my little one should only take a week. After that I’ll have all my priority 1 stuff done, and will have to decide on the priority 2 things (for Sarah and Me).

It’s cool today. We’re getting a low of 47 over night. Yeesh. You’d think we’d have warmer weather in June.

It’s going to rain all day today. I don’t mind. Normally I like the rain, and it’ll bring the temp down; even just a bit.

Stunning thing happened this morning. Stunning to me, at least. I woke up in the exact same position I fell asleep in! I’d slept all night without any runs to the bathroom, no waking and flipping to the other side, not even fully-asleep roll onto my back’s. That’s never happened before, to the best of my knowledge; certainly not since the pregnancy started. I couldn’t believe it at first. Not really a monumental thing, but very unusual for me.

The dr’s appointment went well. My weight’s gone up 1 lb. *eye roll*. The nurse said that as long as I’m eating “well” that they won’t worry though. I joked about how the baby’s living off what I eat and I’m living off stored resources. Part of me wanted to tiptoe that in to see if she’d react negatively and object to that idea. She chuckled and kept writing, so I take that as a good sign that it’s ok if this happens. My blood pressure was high though. Normally it’s a tiny bit high (120-130/80 or so) but Ken said he saw her write in 160/80. It’s never done *that* before! The dr mentioned that I may have to go on meds for it, and we’ll wait and see what happens in the next few weeks. Later, after doing some basic research and finding that I’m at higher risk for high blood pressure (knew this) and that it can lead to pre-eclamsia (not good) and then eclamsia (very not good) but that it’s a) not guaranteed, 2) there’s not a damned thing I can do to prevent it. However we snuggled for a bit and talked about it and he reminded me that it could have been a spike from the ramen I had for lunch. High salt and msg? Um… that makes a lot of sense. Ken’s heart races significantly when he eats foods with msg in them. I’m considering trucking it down to Wal-mart to use their bp machine. Either way, I’ll be seeing the dr’s more frequently (would be anyways) and have an appt in 3 wks with Dr. Segrave-Daly. He’s received awards for excellence by the local somethingorother so I’m curious how the meeting will go. As for Dr. Lawrence, I’ve decided that though he’s nice enough, I’d rather another dr deliver the runt. He seemed to be in a hurry and didn’t even *ask* me if I had questions… I had to pop a few in here and there as the moment presented itself.

Speaking of which, my HbA1c was 5.9! *does very happy dance* I’m really stoked about that. When he asked where my sugars run I fibbed a bit and said between 90-124/140. He said he’d rather see them under 130. Yeesh! They’ll *never* be happy! Is it a wonder I’mma start fibbing about my sugars to them? It’s not lying, per se, just leaving out the non-average numbers. I asked about the stomach cramp I’ve been getting, and he said it’s not a muscle but a ligament. One that holds my uterus in place, and since my uterus isn’t big enough for my abdominal cavity to hold it very securely it jostles around, strains the ligament somewhat, and the ligament goes into spasms. Makes sense. Kinda sucks for the time being though. We went for a walk to one of the local falls – all boardwalks and walkways – and I found that if I didn’t walk very straight without side-to-side movement it started spasming. One relief is looping my hands under the belly and stabilizing it with my forearms, but that’s pretty silly looking.

Last night was unbearably hot. I finally ended up spread out on the couch in my panties with a cold, soaked towel on my chest-to-hips and a cold, soaked cloth on my head. It was funny because the baby didn’t like it *at all* and started directing specific kicks at it. Well, less like kicks and more of a sweeping motion, but it was a much more specific feeling than the previous jiggles. Everytime I pushed my hand down to see if I could feel it externally the runt stopped. Cheeky little thing. I tried again this morning with a warm tea mug but he/she was either sleeping or enjoying the warmth. I’ll wager sleeping. It’s pretty inactive, usually, until mid-afternoon. It’s nice being able to enjoy this now. I know that soon it’ll be kicking me hard enough to be a bit uncomfortable. I can’t wait til Ken can feel it!

Today I meet Dr. Lawrence. I believe he’s the “head dr” among the group, but I’m not sure on that. No matter. Appointment’s at 2:45. I need to remember to ask him about if I should concern myself with lying in certain positions (some things say yes, some no) from now on. I’ll also ask about safe abdominal muscle exercises, and likely mention that I do have a birthing ball to help if need be. I need to ask if my weight is ok (I think I’m back to my original weight – we’ll see when they weigh me). I’m going to ask if the echo cardio dudes next week will be able to tell the baby’s sex. We’re quite excited to know. I’m also going to ask if there’s anything I can do about the strained abdominal muscle on one side that I keep having. It gets really annoying and nothing specific seems to set it off. Grr. I also want to know the weight I should worry about that’ll have them want to do a C-section. Not that there’s anything to do about it, but I’d like to know anyways. I think I’ll also ask about whether I can go through with a natural “induction” (aka the baby comes when it comes – even if it’s a bit late). I’d really rather not be chemically induced, if possible. I realize, given that this is our first, my chances of being post-due date are pretty high, but I’d like to go for it anyways.

Sometime within the next few weeks I should probably look at the info they first gave me. Info about paediatricians, info about childbirth classes, etc. We should likely start soon with the classes, I think.

All this planning and questioning… it’s just a baby!

On the knitting front, I’ve now finished the back and each sleeve. Now it’s the front and assembling it, and the pants. It’s going faster than I expected (which is good, considering how much of everything else I have to do).

Yep. That’s the phrase’o'the day. Today and tomorrow are going to be… uncomfortable. :/

Yesterday I did me some learnin’ about house building estimating and doing the general contract work ourselves (what we’re planning on). The estimator I found (more extensive than the “multiply your sq footage by anywhere between $45/ft to $165/ft”) says the house should cost us $165,087 (Equip $3,734, Labour $56,989, Mat. $104,364). They didn’t allow for specifics like the kind of heating system we’ll be putting in (radiant floor heating) or power system (PV solar) or some of the fine details like doing work ourselves (painting, flooring, roofing, kitchen counter/cabinet installation, etc) so we’re figuring we can bring that estimate down considerably. It also seemed to underestimate the terrain we’ll be building on and the cost of excavation. Still, I’m relieved to know that to get what we want the way we want it – it’s very doable.

I finished the piece I was working on yesterday, and have started on a sleeve today. I should get it done by the end of the day. Otherwise it’s yet another exciting day in the life of Kelly the as-of-yet-childless housewife. We’re working on that though.

I didn’t sleep well last night, and woke up with a migraine this morning. Joy. Ahh well. It doesn’t happen often, the advil’s kicking in, and I’m feeling a bit better after some food and tea.

I’ve started work on another baby-project this weekend. It’s a really cute sweater and pants set. It’s going to take me a long time though, as there’s a lot of cabling involved. It’s comprised of 6 pieces (back of top, front of top, 2 sleeves, back of pants, front of pants). It takes me over an hour to do about 5 cm worth, and the back’s supposed to measure approx. 30cm. I’m at 14cm. I’d have had more done last night, but ended pulling a bunch of it out because I goofed in remembering how the pattern was done (whoops! – I’ve got it now though!). It’s going to be very warm, and very cute!

Ken and I went through the boxes we brought back down from Canada yesterday afternoon. Reminiscing is damned tiring work! Mostly good memories though. I found the pattern booklet and the bit I’d been working on of an aran cardigan I started several years ago (and thought I’d lost). I was really pleased about that! It was very work-intensive work, and I was very disapointed that I’d lost the most important part (the book). Now if I can only find the time to finish it! I’d post a picture, but the book was printed in 1990 and is very unavailable (another reason why I was so upset to have lost it). I also found a large envelope full of things from Will’s childhood. If I can track him down, I’d like to send them to him. I won’t throw them out.

Dad’s now got his pic line in. It’s a larger, more stable iv line that they can leave in up to 6 months and do all his meds through, so he’s not tied to a bunch of iv’s anymore. They also gave him a tracheotomy to avoid any damage to his voice box or any further infection in his lungs. It won’t cause any permanent damage, and it’ll more easily allow them to wean him back onto breathing on his own (with an O2 mask). As soon as he can go 24 hrs of self-breathing they’ll move him from ICU. His fever was back yesterday, and he was out of it all day Lea says. Likely from the extra meds to bring the fever back down.

Baby’s been increasingly more active. I’d say it feels wonderful but to be completely honest it really is the same feeling as having a very (uncomfortably) full bladder and riding in a bouncy car. I’m looking forward to the kicking, at least to ease this odd experience somewhat.

This week, because of having monday off, went by really oddly. Yesterday I kept thinking it was tuesday. *shrug* Not a bad thing, really.

I commented to Ken this morning that this pregnancy is, for now, going really easy on me. *knock on wood* I’ve not had much problems controlling my blood sugars, and the expected placental interference in that hasn’t happened yet. I’ve not gained huge amounts of weight (though this is only the 5th month, so I’ve lots of time to catch up). I figure the weight I *have* gained is 1/4 baby & baby juice, 1/4 blood, 1/2 boob. Not a bad trade-off, for the moment. The only major pregnancy symptom I’m dealing with atm is the bad skin, which didn’t hit me in highschool so I suppose it’s pay-back time.

I talked to Lea last night. Dad’s fever has gone down (almost to normal) which is a huge relief to me. His lung collapsed briefly yesterday, but they didn’t notice any blood oxygen problems and only found it when they did his daily chest x-ray. They figure it may have happened when they rolled him over to do the x-ray, and that laying on his back the rest of the afternoon would have re-inflated it. They weren’t at all concerned. He’ll have his pic line in on saturday (kinda a long-term iv line put into a larger vein that’s less likely to collapse or cause problems). He’ll be getting a tracheotomy sometime soon, too. I’m not crazy about that idea, but it’s necessary. They don’t like having breathing tubes in for longer than 2 wks because of infection (not that that hasn’t happened already, but we can’t help that). He wasn’t so alert on wednesday, but yesterday he was quite alert. The nurse confided in Lea that she thinks he’s turned a corner finally. The friends of the family that I’m so angry at and who’re causing me such frustration have flown out for the next 10 days. I can’t say I’m happy about it, but it doesn’t matter what I think. Dad was happy to see them yesterday, so that’s all that matters. I realized last night that it wouldn’t be fair to write the letter to Lea when I’m this upset and fairly certain it’s not just her that I’m upset with. Until I figure it out, I can’t feel good about the letter. Taking out anger about other things onto her isn’t fair. I try to avoid being that sort of person. There’s no hurry though, so it’s ok. The paper and pens will still be there when I’m ready for them.

In my pregnancy book this morning I was reading about how I may get comments like “you’re not very big for 20 wks” and “wow, are you sure it’s just *one* baby in there!”… and possibly on the same day. I’m pretty certain it’d be closer to the “not very big” comments though. I think people are more restrained than she indicates. That, or my friends, family, and the people that live in my area are more restrained. I’ve only had a total of 3 people touch my belly (other than Ken and myself and the Dr’s): Janel – and I rubbed her right back (explaining that I’m an equal-opportunity belly rubber), Jess – and she’d commented in advance that she wanted to and I granted her permission given how close we are , and Gina >:| She was visiting Dad and as we arrived she was leaving. She shouldn’t have been there, and we’ve informed the nurses that she’s not to be allowed to visit (though Jamie called and screamed at her when she found out). She’s not mentally stable, and she just won’t let go of old family ties (she used to be married to my Uncle John like 10-15 years ago). She’s not welcome in my family; by anyone. She reached forward and lightly scratched my belly. I was so shocked to see her at all that I didn’t react save for an internal cringe and my mind screaming *Don’t Touch ME!*. I wish I’d stepped back or reacted in some way. As it was I was against a wall, so it’d have been hard, but still…

Weather should be nice this weekend. Rain tonight and tomorrow but sunny from sunday through the rest of the week. The baby should be able to hear things outside the womb around now (or very shortly, if not yet). That’s kinda exciting.

With Dad in ICU and, for the most part, unconscious… why do people want to visit? I’m having trouble understanding this. Do people not understand the reality of intensive care? Do they not understand the stress that visitors create for a patient (not to mention the nurses and dr’s)? (Yes, I know that visitors are enjoyed as well, however they cause stress as well.) Do they need to see for themselves that he’s still alive? Is it like a funeral visitation… morbid curiosity? One of my oldest mantra’s, passed from Mom to me (and likely from her mother before her, etc), is that there is a time and place for everything. Granted, it was usually phrased more like “this is not the time, nor the place for that Kelly”, but the idea is still there. I just don’t understand people…

Also, despite me not being an angry person, and usually when I get mad it passes quickly… I don’t hold grudges. Yet whenever I think about my sister and her actions and decisions regarding people visiting Dad; regarding people getting information on his health status; regarding communication between myself, her, the doctors, and our friends/family; I get angry all over again. I’m going to write that letter tonight, and am hoping I can let this anger go after that. I may need to discuss a few things with her though in order to help me feel more comfortable in how she’s dealing with Dad’s care. Irrational as it may be, I need to clearly define whether I’m to have any role in his care or decision making regarding his care, or not. I need to know, emotionally, if I need to distance myself. I shouldn’t have to, but if she’s unable or unwilling to change how she does things, I’m going to have to. This stress and frustration are driving me up the wall.

I’m getting a feeling I should start exercising my pelvic floor muscles. The challenge, now, is remembering to do it. I ought to start doing some pregnancy abdominal strengtheners too. I’ve got my exercise ball all blown up, so I’m ready to go with the core stabilizers as well.

I’m feeling really tired today. I was up innumerable times last night to pee. Grrr.

Well, I’ve got the bread rising, the yogurt draining, the other yogurt a’making, the dishwasher running, and shortly the dryer too. It’s beautiful outside. I finished up a project last night and started on a new one. It’s going to go quite quickly, I think. Good, since if they all go this fast I’ll have them done with time to spare for finishing The Big Christmas Stitch (that’s likely wishful thinking though).

All around, for the moment, things are pretty good. Dad’s condition is the same as Monday, though less responsive Lea said. They’ve got him under a cooling blanket to try and lower his fever. I expect the fever is going to hang around until the pneumonia is dealt with. Not good, but there’s not much to be done about it.

The baby’s been more active the past few days. He/She seems to like it when I’m standing, or when I get up from sitting for a while. They’re still pressure-jiggles, but I’m not in a hurry. I’m slowly losing my belly-button, too. The natural “in” that my waist does (despite the padding around it) is disapearing and my button is more shallow than before. I’m breaking out again. Silly skin.

Immediate things: I just found another pair of pants that don’t fit. Figured they would, since they did last week and things were fine. Nope. I got them on ok, but sitting down made me feel like I was wearing a corset over my abdomen. I’ve not gained any weight though. Ken figures the baby is feeding off my daily foodal intake and I’m feeding off my blubber reserves. Good to know they’re useful for something other than heat retention in the winter. I’m also feeling the baby move around more. It’s not constant, but pretty regular on a daily basis. Feels… odd. Like the pressure when your bladder is full, except it also wiggles around. *eyes rolling*

We picked up a whole mess of yarn I needed. Got it cheap too, so that was great. Lea/Brian liked their wedding present. That was good. Lea said it was a set she’d had her eye on – and had thought about getting the basic set and then the matching bar set later on. We’ve given them a good start then. We picked up a copy of SimCity 4 Deluxe Ed. Looks complex, but Ken (and maybe me) will have a great time playing it. We also picked up some extra large towels from Penny’s on the way home. They were on sale, and I’m referring to them as the maternity towels. We brought a car-load of my stuff home too. The hope chest, amongst a lot of boxes. I’ll have a lot to go through once I get around to unpacking everything.

I’m very upset with my sister right now. I’ll be writing her a letter tonight but I don’t think I’ll send/give it to her until after her wedding. With report cards due in two weeks and the wedding to prepare for and Dad to contend with, she doesn’t need anymore stress than she’s already got. I couldn’t do that to her, as much as I’m hurting right now. Long story short is that despite reassuring from Jamie, I still feel like Lea could care less that I’m her sister. I believe (I won’t say for sure – benefit of the doubt and all that) she understands my stance on Dad’s care and especially visitors while he’s in ICU (we share Power of Attorney and these decisions should be mutual). Last night I found out that family friends from Toronto visited him last night and that more from Alberta will be flying in sometime soon (likely). While he’s in ICU I’m of the very strong opinion that only Lea/Brian, Virginia, and myself/Ken should visit. Jamie too, while Ken and I are down here. ICU isn’t a normal hospital visiting situation, and shouldn’t be treated as such. I feel that family/friends should not be calling the ICU nurses for info on how he’s doing – they should look to us for updates on him.

I’m also still agast and angry at the behaviour of one of Dad’s close friend’s daughter. She’s an RCMP officer. Keep that in mind while I explain why I’m so upset. She’s been calling practically non-stop to find out info on how Dad’s doing. Calling Lea, calling the hospital. She lied to the hospital and told them she was his neice and that she wanted to know how he was doing. We’d told them to not give out information to anybody but Lea, myself, and Virginia. She informed them that we’d allow her to have updates. She tried using her position as an RCMP officer to get information. Without even getting ahold of us (Lea wasn’t home much this weekend and the number they left didn’t include an area code – wtf?) she told the nurse that they were trying to find airline tickets to come out. The nurse explained that we didn’t want anyone visiting, save immediate family. She said that we’d let her and her father visit (Dad’s close friend). I’ve never met Andrea in person. I’ve never talked to her over the phone. I’m outraged (well, I was yesterday and the day before – I’ve cooled since then) that she – an officer of the law – lied and tried to coerce information out of a nurse. Apparently she’s not close enough to Dad to know his support and defense of nurses. Mom was a nurse, and Dad thinks the world of nurses. If he knew the way she treated these nurses, he’d be furious. He doesn’t lose his temper easily.

*deep breath*
On to more important things.

When we were there, Dad wasn’t doing so well. His fever has remained and he has pneumonia now. He was pretty much unresponsive the whole time, though there were a few brief seconds where he’d open his eyes and recognize someone. While at Lea’s bridal shower Ken stayed with him for a bit and Dad looked at him and actually raised his hand towards him for a few seconds. That was very encouraging. Lea was supposed to call me yesterday afternoon with an update on how he’s doing – I called an left a message for her around 7:30 last night, and then called again at 9 before getting ahold of her. Apparently he’s doing better. When Dave and Carm and Nicole (family friends) visited him *eye roll* she said he was much more alert and responsive. I can’t deny that it hurts a little that he was so out of it while we were there yet responsive earlier last week and again now that we’re gone. Not that I think there’s any meaning in it, but the coincidence still hurts. As long as he’s doing better, though, I’ll deal.

I don’t know what’s going to happen between Lea and I. I’m getting the same impression that I had during Mom’s last few months when she was out of it, that she’s trying (purposefully or unconsciously) to “push me out”. I didn’t mind so much back then, because if that’s what she needed to do to feel better about Mom dying then I wasn’t going to get in the way. I’d had my time with Mom, and didn’t feel being with her when she was just a breathing shell would contribute to my memory of our relationship. I mind now though. Honestly I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose, but I don’t think I can sit quietly by and be pushed away. I’m already far enough away, I don’t need to be cut off completely.