Well, things started well this morning. We slept just right, got up and had yummy breakfast that *didn’t* bugger my sugars (the usual engl. muffin/cheese/egg concoction but with bacon added – yum!), and watched some Lain (Ken’s first time – he’s not that keen). We hopped in the shower and ignored the phone as it rang. The answering machine didn’t leave a happy message…

Dad had a heart attack last night. They went to turn him and found his bp and pulse all over the chart and that his heart had stopped at some point. They gave him a whole mess of drugs to help things (which didn’t help as much as they should have) and put on/in a temp. pacemaker. It’s a wire that runs down a vein into his right ventricle and “paces” him should his pulse drop below 70bpm. So far it hasn’t happened, which is good. After last night he’s stabilized and doing well. He was alert today (though wiped from last night’s crazy). It’s stunned us all because he was doing so very well last week. He was on the respirator (breathing on his own) for longer and longer times, he was extremely alert and “talking” (mouthing words) to Lea and the nurses and everything was looking so very much up. And now this. It feels like his body, once realizing that he’s doing better, is slowly going through itself and resetting each organ/body area. So far (beyond the initial accident) he’s had complete renal failure (and recovery back to full function), stomach surgery (though that was kinda the hospital’s fault), and a heart attack. Silly me thought that the last time “this” happened would be the last, and we’d finally be on the road to recovery (without any more interruptions, potty breaks, speed bumps, or traffic congestion). Ha! The up and down roller coaster of this is so stressful. I’m not sure if it’s easier, now, since I can’t go up to see him, or if it’s harder. So, again, now we wait.

On a happier (?) note, I found an extremely sore spot on my upper abdomen this morning, did some research (at first I thought it was my appendix, then realized it was much more like gallbladder stuff – which then drove me to the metamucil and I’m “suffering” it’s effects atm), then realized that the pain was much much more akin to what happens when I give a needle into muscle. I figured, yesterday, that since I’ve got *all* this stomach I might as well do my needles all over instead of the sides (where the most fatty tissue is). Guess there’s not much fat in the “all over” section because though I didn’t think so at the time I must have gone a bit deep. It feels rather like what a booster shot feels like, at the moment. It’ll pass in a few days, and I’ll remember. *eye roll* Makes giving my needles more challenging though since I’m having more and more trouble reaching around the stomach to get to my sides to shoot up. Ahh well…

The other day I’d tried a “home remedy” for weeds on a part of the driveway. Vinegar and salt (1 gal vinegar w/1 c. salt and 1 tbsp dish soap – mix & spray on weeds, preferably during full-sunlight). It seems to be working. Better for the environment than any herbicides, and cheaper too!

On the less-than-glamourous side I’ve been leaking a lot the past two days. I’ve given up hope of it stopping until it’s ready and am just wearing my “leak” tank top now. The stains will come out when I do the wash, but I’ll have to pretreat them to be certain (it’s slightly oily). Several times in the past few days I’ve been doing something as simple as lying on my side and I get up to a big, ole wet spot on my shirt. Good heavens these puppies are eager beavers! *eye roll* It’d be easier if I wore a bra more often, because I *have* the breast pads, but I just hate wearing them at home if I don’t have to. A good bit of that is because my most comfortable bra is also “lightly lined” (read: not breathable: hot). I’ve plans to pick up a cotton bra in the next month. I won’t be buying a nursing bra until late Sept/early Oct just in case I have a large growth spurt.

Good morning to all and thank goodness it’s friday! This has certainly been a long week and I know that I’m glad it’s finally over. One of those weeks where thursday feels like tuesday and you constantly feel like it’ll never end.

I got confirmation this morning that the package I’d sent Will arrived without problem. I’m glad to hear it, as it’s things I know he’d be upset to lose (old photos, etc). He hopes, soon, to be able to send off my books. I’m pretty excited about that. They’re books from my childhood. Series my parents bought for me as quickly as I could gobble them up (or they were published, in some cases). They’re good books and I look forward to passing them on to my own children; or, at the very least, having them as mementos of some of my happiest, early memories.

It’s going to be a warm and muggy day today. Temp’ll be up around the mid-high 80’s and it’s due to rain/storm later this afternoon and through the night. Overnight temps (the important ones – since I have trouble sleeping when it’s warm) aren’t supposed to go lower than 65. Ugh. I think it’ll be a fan-in-the-window night. It’s one thing I definately look forward to when we move to VT. Even just a few degrees cooler at night makes *such* a difference!

I showed Ken this morning (asked for his confirmation, really) that my waistline is *finally* starting to disappear. Where it’s always gone in, is starting to go straight. I don’t mind, though it’s encouraging us to take some pregnancy photos while I still look good.

I tried the experiment last night of a pillow under my belly while I slept. Didn’t last long. It was just too big and kept tipping me over. I’ll make due. It’s not *such* an inconvenience. Mostly it’s hard to turn over though, and since I sleep facing the center of the bed I have to roll myself over (without rolling *out* of bed) in order to lever/shove myself up to get up to pee in the night. I’ll manage though. I chuckle at how amusing I imagine it looks sometimes when I’m trying to roll and I’ve got one arm rolling me and one hand/arm pushing on the belly to make it move with me as I go.

We had chili last night. Was a bit hot and that, mixed with some slight backup elsewhere in my system had me suffering from reflux and bloating all night. Not.comfortable. Things are better this morning, but my blood sugar was up again last night for no reason. I didn’t eat much for dinner, and was a bit low at bedtime. 2am though had it spiking up. Whether it’s the delayed reaction to slowly-digested/processed beans from the chili or hormones I don’t know. I’ll play it by ear tonight and see how tomorrow morning fares. Maybe I need to up my insulin (again). Maybe it was a fluke.

I think it’s a good thing we got the PS2 a few weeks ago. While talking this morning I asked Ken what he’s going to do once he doesn’t have time for games anymore (what with the baby and all). He said he’d *always* have time, even if it meant staying up late to play. It’s not an addiction, by a long shot. It’s his source for stress-relief. It lets him tune out the world for a time and focus on something relaxing. Yay hobbies!

Today it’s more stitching. I’m cracking down on myself because I’ve been a bit slacking this week (working for an hour or so in the morning then getting distracted in the afternoon by other things). I’m also making stove-top mac’n'cheese. Not the boxed kind (though we like that too) but a super yummy recipe I got from Alton Brown. Trust me, this is one you want to try. Personal suggestions include trying different types of cheese (the sharp cheddar the recipe calls for makes it *very* rich), use between 8 and 10 oz, and use this as a side dish and not the main course (because it tends to be quite rich and you’ll want to off-set that with a veggie of some kind, likely). It’s almost as fast as boxed mac’n'cheese though, and though a bit more expensive (considering how cheap the boxed stuff is that’s not hard to imagine) it’s *so* worth the cost and effort!

*looks up*
Geeze I’m yappy today! Blame Ken for my good mood.

I’d also meant to mention that I’ve been having the oddest pin-pricky kinda pains in my lower (very lower) groinal area. I asked Dr. Miller about them and, after confirming their location and making sure I wasn’t having any problems peeing, she said they’re likely my joints starting to expand. I’m fairly convinced that the little one wants to come early. I’ve been leaking for almost a month (that’ll make a total of 4 months early), I’m already spreading, and he’s growing rather quickly. Impatient little devil!

I’m also reaching the “pillow under the belly” stage to sleep. It’s starting to pull a bit when I lay down. I’m definately at the “having trouble leaning forward” stage, which means we’re growing shorter and shorter on the time that I can do my own footcare. Mrr. Ken will do a good job though, and hopefully won’t mind much.

Also, I got a new toy yesterday. To diabetics, a new blood testing meter is a new toy. I got onna these (it’s about the size of a cell phone), which came with onna these (it’s 3-4″ long and I don’t have to remove it from the bag it all fits in). The carrying case is a bit different as my bottle of strips sits “on top” and the meter below (so it can stay inside while I test) and the meter has two elastics holding it in. The finger pricker fits in the middle (foldy area) and the thing on the right holds extra pricker tips. The meter has a date and time and holds 200 memory spots. It’ll also give me a 7-day and 14-day average test amount (instead of a 20 tests average which is kinda pointless). The strips *can* be used for purely visual testing (colour change) if I have to. It’s also super fast, testing in 5-10 seconds (though usually under/around 5 sec). It’s compact and convenient and I like it. It’s also covered by our health insurance so instead of paying ¢40 per strip (for the cheapest, Wal-mart brand strips) we’re paying ¢25 per strip. Yay! *does the “I can test whenever I want and then some” dance*

Disclaimer: In truth the leaking isn’t unusual, I don’t know about the spreading, and given that his Daddy and Mommy both were big babies (over 9lbs) and I’m taking prenatal vits (a very intelligent friend of ours has a theory about prenatals and big babies) and the dr’s will try and push his largeness (if he’s a big baby) onto my diabetes… We’re doing just fine though.

Let see where we’ll start…

Posting my long yap about stress and anxiety yesterday was a very good thing for me to get “out”. Afterwards I felt achingly better. It feels like a big weight has been lifted, though I don’t know exactly why. I usually feel better after getting something out, but not usually to this extent. Perhaps hormones were making me feel worse then, perhaps they’re making me feel better now? I don’t know. I do know, though, that I’m feeling very unstressed right now, and it feels damned good. A big relief from the self-inflicted onslaught.

I want to thank Feffer for commenting yesterday. I read it last night and Ken (yeah, I know, him again ) and I talked about it. Even before I started talking about it I pointed/recognized out that he sees the “whole me” and not just the side that I show the world. He knows my interests (mostly the ones I figure are not interesting enough to blog about on a daily basis – like my stitching, reading, cooking, knitting) and knows that I spend time each day doing several of them. I know my focus, lately, has been wrapped up in Ken and the baby, but as far as this blog goes it’s original purpose was to log baby happenings – so that’s to be expected. We talked, though, about my focus being primarily on him (online) and it likely is. But he tends to focus on me as well (though, as he said, he’d have to ask a co-worker exactly how much he talks about me at work). I think it’s part of our individual personalities and one of the major things we have in common (which, granted, there’s quite a few personality similarities between us). We’re both very family-centric people. If I think back to my Mom, she was a nurse, she read a lot, she knitted and cross-stitched, she cooked, she cheered/screamed at her favourite hockey teams (which I do on occasion), but more than anything else (save her nursing) she was a Mom. Her focus was on our family. It makes me happy, both to have that in common with her and to be that family-centric myself. My family makes me happy. Granted, my blood-relatives sometimes make my blood boil, but they still make me happy (most times). Is our relationship suffering because Ken and I are so involved in each other; emotionally, intellectually, interests? I don’t think so. It isn’t at the moment, at least. Perhaps down the road we’ll drift a bit (we’ve talked about this, expect it, and know that we’ll never drift far) but for now we’re pretty happy being so involved in each other. We know people may not understand – especially some of his family who were pretty surprised when they first saw the way he is around me and how he treats me (they’d never seen him like that before). Anyways, I’m tangent-ing. I’m trying to thank Feff for her observations. It’s so hard to see yourself and how you’re acting around others sometimes, and feedback is something I highly value. I’m glad you said what you did because it prompted us to evaluate “us” as well as ourselves and conclude that, for now, we’re ok being how we are. We think it’s healthy (in that we’re neither of us suffering in any way and are enjoying it) for us, for now. It’s good to re-evaluate yourself sometimes. As for outside interests, I do have them even if I don’t talk about them much. I figure you’d be awefully bored to hear that I’d done x amount more of my stitching or knitting . I’ve thought about knitting/craft groups before but they tend to be filled with rather fanatical women who’re obsessed with their projects. Cooking is a pick-and-choose thing for me since I tend to go on inspiration a lot. Reading is sporadic (depends on mood). I wouldn’t mind joining a cooking class, and I’ve very firm plans to join a gym – but they both need to wait until we’ve moved up to VT. The house is as designed as I can make it, for the time being (especially since we don’t have the land so I can’t design the gardens yet and the house design will likely have to be customized for the topography).

Mkay, back to yesterday’s appointment. We saw Dr. Miller yesterday. Our visit was very relaxed and I think we both like her even more now, after experiencing the dredges of the office dr’s, than ever. We joked and chatted and it was a very enjoyable appointment. According to *their* scale I’ve gained 8lbs. I *like* their scale. We briefly went over my sugars and I pointed out that the past few weeks have been wonky but we’re almost back to normal numbers. She pointed out that the morning numbers are the most important (which, as of this morning, we’ve got under control again YAY!) statistically and that it may come to pass that we’ll have to adjust my insulin on a daily basis. She acknowledged that I know why we’re being so careful and I know what to do. My tummy is measuring a bit big, but she didn’t seem concerned at all. She asked about the line across my stomach (when I leaned into a hot cookie sheet) and we joked (after pointing out the casserole burn and the ironing burn from friday) that I’m restricting myself away from hot items. She wrote me up a script for another HbA1c, thyroid, and two other things that I don’t remember now. We popped over to the hospital across the street for my bloodwork and pre-registered for the labour department while we were there (just had to sign an additional form). Dr. Miller’s set me up for ultrasounds every 4 wks, so we’ve another scheduled for late Aug. She said in the next week I should start doing the “10 movements in 1 hr” checking. I laughed at that, because he’s so active. I did it last night as I lay in bed and he passed the test in 3 mins. My active little man. I’ll be going in for non-stress tests twice a week (ugh) starting around 32 wks (about a month from now) and we’re in the dr’s office every 2 wks from now on. We had an ultrasound yesterday, too. The technician and I laughed as the little man was *extremely* active at one point. I calmed him down some, though, so that she could finish doing her measurements (he calms somewhat when I hold him from either side). She asked if we knew what we were going to have and a bit after we said “A boy” she exclaimed “He sure is a boy!” Wonder what she meant by that? We got a few pictures of his face (best pic of his face, same pic but upright – he’s got his fist up near his face, both pics we have – big pics, btw – in the left hand one he’s turned a bit to the left). Looks just like his daddy, don’t he? *eye roll*

I’ve also uploaded a couple pics from Lea’s reception. This one is my beautiful sister in her beautiful gown. I’m not terribly fond of her hair being pulled back like that, but I’m rarely consulted on her hair/make-up. Here’s Ken, myself, Lea, and her new husband Brian. I looked like a cow, but it’s the only dress that’d fit me. Lea and I don’t look much alike, but we *are* sisters (or so they say) Our smile is similar (though her lips are thinner) and our eyes (though you can’t see since I’ve got my glasses on). I refuse to acknowledge that those are my arms.

Today I’m making chili *does the happy happy chili dance* and stitching. It’s silly to be this excited to finish this project, but I’ve been working on it (off and on) for almost 2 years (more than 2?) and I’m really proud of it. Sill-il-y proud, even. I can’t wait to see the finished product.

*le sigh* Where to start? I suppose the daily stuff, and the emotional stuff can come later.

Today we have another ultrasound. I’d thought it was thursday (oops). We also see Dr. Miller again. My bp was down yesterday (huh?) all day – so I’m a bit curious about that. We’re going to drop by the pharmacy afterwards and pick me up a new glucose meter and some “more advanced” urine sticks (ones that test both glucose and protein (current ones only do glucose). It all means a short day for Ken at work, but more time with him for me.

I slept poorly last night. Woke up around 2 (tested and needed a few more units of insulin but not as much as the past few mornings so the upped night-time insulin was a step in the right direction – we’ll raise it more tonight) and was awake until around 4. No real reason. I’d had a headache all night the night before (I think my body has clued into the “no advil” rule now and is being mean to me) so I popped another (single, extra strength – don’t they sell regular strength anymore?) tylenol while I was up and waited for the sleepiness to return. Nothing specific kept me up, I was just up. So while up my mind wandered as it’s known to do. I thought about how when I’m awake the kidlet seems to know (even if I’m not moving more than normal sleeping) and puts on an acrobatics show for me for usually 20 mins before he konks out again). He did this and then promptly fell asleep. It’s nice being able to recognize his sleeping patterns now. It makes me wonder how/if they’ll be similar to his post-partum sleeping patterns?

And then we get to the anxiety. Rather, I wasn’t thinking about it but experiencing it. I’ve not had anxiety before, other than my social anxiety, so I didn’t know that *all* anxiety feels like that. I guess I figured the social kind had it’s own special emotional reaction. Who knows? So what’s my anxiety about? Well here I have to hedge somewhat because it has to do with an aspect of family. Or do I? 1) it’s my journal – so I should be able to be completely honest and upfront on it. Yeah I could make it a private post or friends-only but I don’t want to. 2) it’s not like I’m having an anxiety about a specific family member. There are, however, family members who, specifically, don’t trigger the anxiety. I won’t mention any names though, for either category. So what’s it all about? It’s a situation-specific anxiety, if there is such a thing? I’ve had it before, in a more mild sense, but last night and this morning it’s very much worse. It has to do with Thanksgiving. Normally I love Thanksgiving. I love seeing so much family all together at once. I love the family-centric feeling that this holiday (and Christmas) have. It’s a big part of what Ken and I are all about; family. So what’s the deal, Kel? This Thanksgiving, you see, will be the first time the *whole family* gets to meet our son. Big deal? Not at all. I’m looking forward to it. So get to the point, woman! The deal is his age. He’s only going to be approx 4 wks old (depending on when he decides to emerge, of course – he could be up to 6 wks then). At 4 wks post-partum, I’m not sure *I’m* going to be ready to see the family (it’s still slightly stressing for me because of my SA – though it gets better at each family meet-up). So at this family juncture, I’ll have to deal with my own SA as well as this newly emerging, situational anxiety. Stress-city. You’re still being vague, girl. I’m anxious about people handling the baby. Hmm. Let’s work through this then…

1. Am I worried about the baby being hurt by someone? Partly. Is that worry based in reality/experience/fact/family history? Not in the least. Almost everyone in the family has dealt frequently with babies and children (save a few of the younger cousins). One of the Uncle/Aunt’s have very young children themselves – so it’s not even like it’s been very long since babies have been passed around.
2. Am I being selfish about being the baby’s caretaker? Nope. I’ve thought about family events slightly further in the future (Christmas) and have no anxieties about that.
3. Am I worried about *all* family members equally? Nope. This anxiety doesn’t seem to apply to certain, more immediate, family members.
4. Is this an issue of personal space? Hmm… that’s an interesting thought. My own family (and extended family) are close, but not nearly as close as Ken’s. It’s a regret of mine, actually, because seeing how Ken’s family is and how mine used to be makes me wish mine were that close still. They used to be, but I was still young then. I love that Ken’s family is like this. I love the constant support and love that I feel from them. Let’s look at the flip side of that coin though. Well, it’s something that’s been harder to adjust to in concerns of my SA. It does seem a bit… overwhelming at times as well. I’ve felt sometimes like aspects of my life aren’t my own anymore, but partly owned by “The Family”. Especially where the baby is concerned. There have been times when it’s felt like he isn’t my baby, but the family’s. I’m just the temporary carrier and food supply. *head cocked to the side* That’s kinda odd, Kel. Yeah, I know. Is my sense of identity so frail? Granted, lately I’ve felt (on my own terms – nothing to do with family) rather increasingly like the “Host Vessel of a Tiny Being” that I’ve jokingly named my blog after. Understandable, to a point, since right now that’s a *big* part of who I am. I don’t have a job to identify with atm, and the baby is always here. Constant reminder. He’s never off my mind anymore. I can’t temporarily *forget* I’m pregnant like I could in the beginning. It’s both reassuring to me, this constancy, and a bit daunting. Mkay, now get back to the topic at hand, tangent-girl!

So… we’ve identified that this anxiety is based partly on Mothering/Protective instincts – normal, I think. I’ve only known Ken’s family for slightly over 2 years, and extended family experiences have been limited and tend to cluster everyone together – making it harder to develop trust-bonds with individuals. Gotcha. We’ve also identified that the anxiety is based partly on personal identity. When the family is passing around the baby where does that leave me? Who does that make me? Who am I to them? Aren’t you Kelly? It hasn’t felt like that, much, yet. I’ve always felt like “Ken’s Wife”. And with the baby that’ll make you… _____’s Mom. So what’re we to do about this? I don’t know. I didn’t indicate it made any sense, did I? Do I just have to *deal*? Do you have a choice? Up until now I’ve been trying to find ways around this. I realized that with the sling (this isn’t why I’m getting it, btw, I’d decided to get it way before realizing this) I can hold him close to me and hopefully deter anyone from wanting to hold him just yet. They’ll want to stroke his chubby little cheeks (which’ll trigger his feeding instinct – but I digress) but he’ll be pretty attached to me. However, that’s a thin excuse. I can’t “hide” him forever, and as soon as I pull him out he’ll be free-reign to be passed around for everyone to enjoy. It feels, a little bit, like I’ll be losing him. Once I “let him go” he won’t be mine anymore. I have so little of my family left… Mom’s gone, Dad (for now – we won’t think beyond that) isn’t available, Lea and I never really *were*… If we’re talking “teams”… on Ken’s team there’s a huge number of people, on my team there’s… me. With the baby, it’ll feel like there’s an addition to my “team”. You’re being melodramatic. When have I ever claimed any of this made logical sense? Not even to me does it. But it’s still feelings and those feelings deserve to be recognized. So… back to teams… we’re not in a competition – I don’t want that to be thought – but there’s a distinct lack of balance, and that’s a bit daunting at times too. Ken’s on my team, but he’s also on the other side of the teeter-totter as well. Ken’s immediate family feels like my own family now – which helps – but the extended family is still “his” yet. That’ll change, in time. The other thing is that I’m coming from an outside perspective on things. I deal with situations differently – even if it’s just internal – and that may or may not sit well with “The Family”. There’s another member of “The Family” who’s come from an outside perspective and hasn’t had the easiest time melding into the bunch. I understand that person sometimes when “The Family” doesn’t, and I empathize. There’s been a lot of negativity built up over the years over this person and the way this person deals with situations, and I worry about that becoming me. Do I stick to my guns or bow to the will of “The Family”?

*le sigh* I don’t know. I don’t want anyone in “The Family” to read this (if they are) and feel like I’m against them. I don’t want to inadvertently burn any bridges with just my thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to ostracize myself. I love these people, despite any challenges, and look forward to spending the rest of my life getting to know them more and becoming closer to them. I value their experiences and support and love more than I can express. So what’cha gonna do? I reminded myself, this morning, that there’s no sense in worrying about a bridge I’ve not come to yet. It’s entirely possible (and hopefully likely) that when the time comes I won’t feel anything remotely like this anxiety right now. Maybe I just needed to get all of this out so that I can stop thinking about it for now.

It also occured to me, this morning, how much I miss my Dad. Specifically for his ability to always make me feel better about any situation. He’s either seen something similar or experienced himself pretty much every possible scenario imaginable. He’s also my Pop. He just knows how to ease my fears. Lately I’ve not had that “resource” available to me and my stresses have been building up. Ken and I have both noticed it, and I’m genuinely trying to not stress about things, but I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job. I’ve been living in a cycle of stress/fear for almost 3 years (it was put on the back-burner when I met Ken and stayed there until recently rearing back up). I didn’t used to be like this. Problem is that it’s been so long since I wasn’t I’m not sure how to *not* be like this. Oy!

I am trying, though… (:-/
You’re trying my patience!
Yeah, I know…

Last night was another of the not-too-frequent episodes of irrational emotional response. Specifically, I’d decided that since my ankles kept swelling up and my feet ached because of it that I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore. *eyes rolling* I’m a loon. Ken, most patient man in the world, consoled me and tried to find solutions to take my mind off things. I’ve been ordered to weed the driveway, sit out in the sun for a min of 4 hrs today (there’s no sun), and to just roll over and sulk (well, that was my idea).

Thankfully I feel much better today. Ankles are still swollen somewhat, but I’m going to do what I can to *not* aggrivate the situation. Bread’s rising, laundry’s washing, and I’mma be stitching much of today. It’s dreary out anyways, so it’s not like I can do the driveway today.

Otherwise things are pretty normal. My sugar’s have been a bit up in the mornings the past few days so we’re going to raise my overnight insulin and see if that helps. During the day they’ve been steady and good though. I’m waiting for a shipment from Stash Tea. We’re quickly running out and I’m craving chai (which we ran out of last week).

I’ll make this brief because I’m tired and need to put my feet up.

Friday we drove the whole way up to Ontario and ended up crashing, finally, around 2:30.

Saturday was a lot of running around and seeing people. We saw Dad. He’s doing ok. Steady. Tired a lot, and there were a lot of visitors coming and going (because of Lea’s reception) so that tired him out quite a lot. I don’t think it was the best for him to see so many people (especially after seeing him Sunday and how very exhausted he was) but I don’t get a say in these things (apparently). Saw Jess and took her up to see Dad. I think she was a tiny disapointed that he was so visibly not well, but she’s told me to let her know when he’s better and can see people without getting overtired so that she can visit him regularly (for both her and my sake). I picked up the baby sign language book I’d been wanting (read it on the way home yesterday) and it’s going to be a big help to us, I believe. It’s basic enough that we should be able to teach our close family who’ll spend lots of time with our son (once we’re up in VT) the basic signs that we’re using with him to communicate. It should make everyone’s lives easier. We went for dinner at East Side Mario’s (yay bruschetta!) and then on to the reception. The timeline for the reception was a *tad* off, so the speeches (intended for 8:30) ended up starting around 10pm. By the time the dancing had started and we could leave it was almost 11 (slightly past 11 after saying our goodbyes to everyone). Jamie and I talked briefly and I lay the “ground work” for the tough conversation I’m going to have to have with Lea sometime soon (after the baby is born and Dad’s out of the hospital). She understands and I think understood my hints that she’ll need to be there as a support to Lea (she is anyways though). It was really nice seeing so much of my family though, and catching up with them. My cousin Todd and his wife Sarah had a baby boy, Charles James, a few weeks ago (Charles was our Grandfather’s name, James was Todd’s father’s name and his first name). My cousin Greg just got engaged to a very nice girl named Stacy (met her at Christmas). Everyone said I looked great (Linda even said that, unlike a friend of hers, I look tummy pregnant instead of looking face/legs/arms/butt/tummy pregnant ). Lea’s dress was beautiful and she looked wonderful.

Sunday we were up early and off to visit Dad briefly. He was too tired to really stay awake so we made our visit short. I had a lot of trouble leaving this time because I’m not going to see him again until either the baby is born or he’s out of the hospital and can come down to see us (aka after the baby is born – we don’t think he’ll be able to make it for the birth ). I was trying to not cry in front of him, but he knew. I could see in his eyes and face that he didn’t want us to leave. Other people visiting and leaving doesn’t bother him, but it was different for us, and Ken felt/saw it too. After we got outside I cried some more. I’m so scared that he won’t be ok. I’m scared that I can’t help him or even be with him while he gets better. I’m scared that he won’t get better.

I’m trying not to think about it right now though.

This morning I had an appt with Dr. Chen (family dr). I was all stressed out because my sugar’s this morning were unexpectedly high (all of yesterday’s driving). I see my ob office dr’s so much and they stress me out because every visit feels like a battle for them to trust that I can take care of my sugar’s. I see Dr. Chen so infrequently (comparatively speaking) that I was braced for another war. I was wrong. Despite my sugar still being up when I got there (took it’s sweet time this morning going down) she was very calm and unstressing. My weight is exactly 10 lbs more than the ‘immediately after finding out we’re pregnant’ weight, my bp was good (typical for me), my temp was where it should be (98). We talked about my sugar control and I explained that in the past two weeks things have gone a little wonky but we’re testing like crazy and working on getting them back to normal (I tested with theirs and my machine in the office and there was a discrepancy so I guess it’s time I get a new machine – though I was going to anyways because the strips will be cheaper with our health plan than what we’re using). I mentioned that I’ve found drinking lots of water is helping to dilute the contra-insulin hormones so she encouraged me to keep drinking lots. She noticed and asked about the red spots on my shoulders (pregnancy skin), she noticed and asked about the red mark on my forearm (burn from last month), she noticed and asked about my swollen ankles (yesterday’s driving and saturday’s running around/standing). She asked if I’d need a prescription written for another HbA1c (nope, going for bloodwork later this week). She was nothing but patient and understanding that I’m doing the best I can with my sugar’s and that neither she, nor anyone else, is going to be able to do any better. Seeing her was such a relief to have a dr trust me to be able to take care of myself! I was so relieved that when I got in the car I couldn’t decide if I’d rather sleep or cry. I did neither and drove home instead. I need to remember, next time, that Dr. Chen is on *my* side.

As for the little one, we’re at 27 wks today so that’s the start of our third trimester. This means (I realized over the weekend) no more advil. That kinda sucks. We’ve picked up tylenol *snort* to see if it’ll help. Hopefully I don’t have too many late-pregnancy aches and pains.

“This week he weighs about 2 pounds and is between 12 and 15 inches long. He’s acting more like a newborn now, too. He opens and closes his eyes, sleeps and wakes at regular intervals, and may suck a finger or thumb.” Hehehe We’ll have a better idea of his size later this week at the ultrasound. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if he’s in the 12-15″ range though – beyond that it’s what’s normal he seems to be that big when he’s curled up against my stomach. He’s been doing the double shove lately (head into ribcage, ass into opposite side) quite a bit. He’s also running out of room to “hide” so it’s easier to find him and see what he’s doing/what position he’s in. “Starting now, and continuing through the last three months of pregnancy, you may be plagued by leg cramps, hemorrhoids, varicose veins, and an itchy abdomen.” So far I’ve already had the hiccups they say may start now, and the itchy abdomen. Leg cramps I can deal with (had them quite often as a teen), varicose veins I’d rather not have, stretch marks I could care less about, hemorrhoids – um… I’ll pass, if possible?

For the rest of today I need to do laundry, put my feet up to drain that fluid, and stitch. I should make bread too. Who knows how much will get done though. Right now I’d just like to relax!

So today we head up to Ontario. Weather looks like it’ll be nice, though we’ll likely get rained on on the way up and the way back, Sunday. We’re going to drive up the whole way tonight, so it’ll be a late night. Thankfully we don’t have any appointments early on, so we should be able to sleep in somewhat (hopefully). I may be wrong on that though, as Lea needs me to sign something at the bank. Mrr.

The “good” news is that this will be our last trip up to Ontario before the baby is born. I say “good” because I’m going to miss Dad terribly, and wish that I could visit him. However it’s not good for me to be as stressed out as Lea makes me or for me to take such lo-o-ong trips during the last tri either.

After this, the only trips we’re going to be making will be up to visit family in Vermont. Bare minimum that’ll mean the Labour Day weekend. We’ll see how I’m feeling after that.

I weighed myself this morning, and I’ve dropped back a few pounds from the other day, so we’re hanging steady around 10+ lbs. Maybe 12. I’m not in the least upset about how much I gain, but I’d like to keep it to a minimum to make losing it post-partum easier. I realize that’ll take the better part of a year, but that’s alright with me. Fore warned is fore armed. Honestly, I’m not really eating any different now than I was pre-pregnancy. I eat the same breakfast, same lunch, and possibly more dinner. The change is that I snack a bit more between lunch and dinner. I’m sure the spoonfuls (small ones!) of peanut butter post-lunch don’t help. Who says you need the bread part of a pb/j sammich? It just gets in the way!

After thought: yesterday’s eye appointment went fine. There was a very long wait in the waiting room (close to 1.5 hrs all up) but my eyes are perfectly fine. No changes. We’ll see Dr. Green again right before the baby is born to cover all bases but he said if anything was going to change it’d have happened during the first stages of pregnancy. After the appointment in October I won’t need to see another retinologist/opthamologist save for a yearly check-up (I may stretch that to 2 years like I had back home since there’s nothing wrong with my eyes and my control is better than it’s ever been).

Not much to say about today. I’ll be stitching most of the morning and early afternoon. I’m aiming for a 2 wk goal to get this last bit of my project done (with or without the top bit of one tree and the snowflakes).

I weighed myself last night and it would seem my weight has gone up again. I’m not too worried about it. If our scale was accurate (and that’s debatable) that’d mean I’ve gained somewhere between 10-15 lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy – 10 of those in the past month+. That’s to be expected though. I’ll be starting the third trimester next week. That’s kinda exciting and kinda scary all at once. Scary about having a whole new person to care fore (can we do it? can we do it well?) and scary about the trials and tribulations of the third trimester and labour. It’ll be my hardest trimester, of the three, being diabetic. As the placenta grows it spews out more of those contrainsulin hormones. Joy. Right now we’re experimenting (successfully) with the theory that if I drink enough water during the day it helps to flush those hormones out of my system so they don’t affect me as much. Whether it’s true or not I have no idea, but so far I’ve gone 3 days with 3L of water/day and my sugars have been more manageable. Granted my insulin requirements are slowly increasing, but I can handle the slow increases; it’s the large ones that throw me through such loops.

Our son spends a lot more time moving around nowadays. He *really* likes my left side (whether because I tend to lean that way, sleep that way, or not I don’t know) and especially loves shoving his head (or butt – whichever end is pointing up at the time) up into my left side right under my ribcage. It’s a very bizarre experience to suddenly have this large lump emerging from your body – asymetrically at that!

Progress has been made. I’ve moved on to the last section (excluding the tiny top corner and the “snowflakes” scattered all over the place), finally! I’m hoping it’ll go quickly, since it’s not tooooo big.

*dances*

I slept like the dead last night. A good thing, though I woke up slightly tired this morning. Days like today are the worst, because I’ll spend the whole day waiting for tomorrow to come. Tomorrow I’ve an opthamologist appt with Dr. Green (I like him), so it’s something to do outside the house. I also need to remember to take the recycling down, since our bin is well over-full. Friday we’ll be leaving for Ontario. I don’t know yet if we’ll stay the night in Rochester or travel on through to Dad’s. We’re going to play it by ear. I’ve a date with Jess on Saturday (though we need to nail down a meet-up time), then Lea’s reception. I’m trepidatious about that because it doesn’t even *start* until 8pm. We’ll be staying at Dad’s the night, too, so there’s an hour drive to his house after we leave the party. I called her Monday night (she was out for a minute) and haven’t heard back from her. I need to ask how formally to dress (I did buy those clothes last weekend, but I’ve found my trusty-rusty blue dress still fits so I can wear it if things are going to be a bit more formal) and what’s going to happen (food? dancing? anything specific?).

So today is going to be stitching again. I didn’t finish the section I was working on yesterday. After lunch I did some before being hit with an overwhelming tiredness that would not be denied. I’m almost done though. Bit of tree branches left then the straight-stitches (outlines). I should make some bread today too. I keep putting that off, for some reason. Meh.

I don’t know *what* happened last night to bugger me so thoroughly, but I was… not healthy last night. Granted my sugars were going crazy, so that’s bound to make me feel ill, but there was more to it. I’ve never had GI problems from low sugars alone. Whatever it was it passed and I’m feeling better today. Still a little tummy sore, but not nauseous anymore. (yay!)

The weather is beautiful today. I’m going to enjoy all the sunshine streaming into the dining/sitting room where I do my stitching. I’ll be finished the middle section (area between the house on the left and the tree on the right, including part of each) of my project today, I should expect.

I’ve decided that drinking more water may help my body flush out some of those contrainsulin hormones. I didn’t drink much during the day yesterday, and they screwed me up, but last night I did and they didn’t affect me as much. If this is true, hopefully I can make things easier on myself in regard to blood sugar control. If not, well, then not. It’ll make travelling harder, since I have to pee every half hour when I’m drinking lots, but we’ll figure something out.

I’ve had my panic attack. I’ve had my cry. I’ve had my search for reassurance.

I found my determination.

I will fight every day, if I have to, to keep my sugar’s under control. If it means testing every few hours, then so be it. I am not at the mercy of my body.

So they’ve started kicking in. I didn’t think it’d be like this. I suppose I shouldn’t have assumed that it’d be a gradual buildup and, therefore, a gradual increase of my sugars. That would make sense, and that’d be something I could deal with. This “over-night sensation” thing is really throwing me through a loop. I’m scared. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I feel disapointed in myself that I can’t instantly fix it, and like I’m letting down the baby and putting him at risk with every high sugar I have. What if I can’t figure this out? What if I can’t manage? If something happens to our son because of this, there’s nobody but me at fault. It’s not genetics, I can’t brush it off on statistics. It’s my fault.

It’s a rainy day today, but cool so I don’t mind. The tomatoes are looking fantastic, and I’m very proud of their progress. I can’t wait until harvest time. We rearranged the plants and did some pruning this weekend. It would seem the spider plants don’t like the morning/sunny side of the house and thrive on the afternoon sun side, so they’re all there now, save for two hanging in the dining room. We’ll see how those do. We’ve put the umbrella tree outside for the week, hoping the rain and cool temps will kill those damned spider mites once and for all. I’m not sure whether it’ll work or not, but it’s worth a try.

We had a pretty great weekend this weekend, if I do say so myself. Saturday was very busy, Sunday was very *not* busy. Saturday we got an early start so we could get to the post office. I sent Will off an envelope of old photos and things from his childhood. It felt good to finally get it sent, since I’ve had to delay doing so for the past few weeks. We went to the vehicle registration place and were given a huge list of things to do in order to get PA plates. The list is so rediculous, actually, that we’ve decided to bugger it and just leave them as is. We’re insured, we’re moving back up to VT in less than a year, why on earth should we go to so much bother and expense for less than a year’s worth of PA plates?Next we headed to the Stroud Mall, which is pretty piddly but has a few good stores in it. JC Penny had a great sale this weekend and for under $30 I got two pair of maternity capris (one black for next weekend, one tan and casual for – well – casual use) and a really cute tank top (for next weekend as well – though it’s a bit big so I’ll make good use of it beyond that). Before the sale discounts the pants were that much for each pair, so we got a real steal! On we went to Electronics Boutique and rewarded ourselves for a combination of not spending money on the registration thing and finalizing a deal we’d made with ourselves (that if someone buys us a particular, big-ticket, baby item) we bought a PS2 and some games. 3 games, a memory card, a 1 yr guarantee and the system all for barely over $200. Sweet! We also went over to Waldon books and browsed around. I checked but they didn’t have the baby sign language book I wanted (I’ll get it next weekend at Chapters). They had a large and nice selection of”bargain” books though, so we picked up a great book on wood/woodworking (it’s got some beautiful furniture patterns in it and loads of information) and a book on sex and sensuality and I picked up a Chinese character stamp set (free with the other two books). I finished the sex/sensuality book last night and was really impressed.  error
It contained lots of information ranging from STD’s to anatomy to food play to bondage to kama sutra to pregnancy/family life (aka life “after” sex ). I wanted to get it so that if our kids have any questions that they can’t come to us about, they could grab this book off the shelf and read it in the privacy of their room(s). It had photos – very tasteful/loving ones – so that alone should get the boy(s) attention. We moved on to Wal-Mart to pick up a bunch of engine fluids to top off the jeep with (and spark plugs – but now I can’t find my gapper, grr!), buttons/zippers/ribbon to finish off the baby stuff I’ve been making the past few months (all done, w00t!), and breast pads (they’re so BIG! ). We then went grocery shopping and came home. It was a busy, but a productive and enjoyable day.
Sunday was spent playing on the PS2 (Ken) and finishing up baby stuff/reading. It was a quiet but very enjoyable day too.

So now it’s Monday, laundry’s in the wash, dishes are too, and I’m 26 wks pregnant. That means 14 wks till B-day! Wow. If the dr’s have their way about it (and if he keeps growing like he has been) it’ll be less than that. Are we ready? Probably not. Are we gonna do it anyways? Do we have a choice at this point? Are we excited? Damn straight! Our son is about 14″ long from head to toe now, and weighs approximately 1.5 lbs. We’ll have more accurate measurements next week when they do my u/s. He should be able to start hearing us now, so I’ve begun talking to him occasionally (saying hello/goodmorning when he kicks me, laughing at him and encouraging him to move aside when he head butts me, etc). Our placenta has, I believe, started messing with my sugars now. It could have started as early as the 2nd trimester, so given that we’re rounding up on the 3rd I’ll not complain too much. I’m upping my insulin and doing my best to keep on top of things, but it’s still a work in progress. It’d be a piece of cake if it were consistent, but it’s very sporadic and my sugar’s are sometimes normal, sometimes quite high. I’m frustrated with it, but doing my best. I’ll be doing a lot of testing until I get things “right” again. I know there’s nothing that I’m not doing that a dr or diabetic educator would have me do, so it’s just going to be a lot of trial and error until we get it right. The biggest concern right now is preventing fetal macrosomia (“big baby”). It’s much more prevalent in diabetic mothers’ (who have poor glucose control during pregnancy) infants. A slight problem with it (though I’ve not been able to find any data on the genetics of macrosomia) is that both Ken and I were “macrosomic” (>8lbs 13oz). I suspect, despite the diabetes/diabetic control, that we’d make big babies anyways. At my ob appt last week the dr commented that I’m measuring a bit big right now (which can be completely normal) and we’ll know more about how the little dude is doing next week.

I did a card reading last night about the baby and whether he’d be born macrosomic. They wouldn’t tell me exactly, but they did say to keep my options open and not close my mind off to any non-ideal labour occurances. Hmm.