Mostly we moved furniture. Sharon came down for some much needed Ethan-time, so we took the opportunity to rearrange stuff. Beds were switched (rooms) downstairs (much better now), dressers were switched, and Ethan’s room is now ready for him (save the change table which’ll stay up here while he does and we’ll need to pick up one of those mesh bumpers for the crib). He’ll be moving down there once the weather warms some (March or so). It won’t be too soon since he’s starting to outgrow his crib. I never thought that would happen when I first put him in it. He was so tiny!! He’s outgrowing more clothes…. still. It seems like every week that I do laundry, now, he’s outgrown something. It’s a good thing we’ve got an extra dresser for him. One for his to-be-fit-into clothes, one for the these-don’t-fit-any-more stuff. We measured him last night and he’s grown a whole centimeter since last week (putting him at 23.5cm tall), another half centimeter in his noggin, and .2lbs (I wanted to say .3 but Ken was being reserved) putting his weight at 11lbs13oz. That has him right between 10-25% on both length and weight, and 25-50% on his noggin – all of which is exactly where he’s been averaging. His head is actually slowly over the past 6 wks slowing down in growth so perhaps it’ll catch up into the same range as his length/weight. Not that it matters any. He’s healthy, he’s happy, we love him to bits.

Tomorrow Ken’s taking the day off so we can have Ethan’s head CAT scanned. We’re going down to Lehigh Valley Hospital for it so we’re going to try and drop by the NICU while we’re there and say hi. I hope Denise is working. I tried e-mailing her last week but didn’t receive any response. I hope Dr. Chris is working too so that we can find out why we’ve not been billed yet for the surgery that we know we have to pay for (though they were “working on it” for us not to) and to show him how well Ethan’s doing (he was very surprised when I told him over the phone a few weeks ago).

I did some much needed cooking/baking this weekend. Needed by me, since it makes me feel good to do so. Blueberry muffins for breakfast yesterday (and subsequently for lunch today), more of those yummy chocolate chip cookie brittle bars (with mini-chips this time which were a big improvement, suggestion by Ken), and lasagne for dinner. I *was* going to make Swedish Meatballs but the blasted grocer didn’t have any ground pork. WTH!! I’m going to have to just keep my eyes open for some and stock up. Mrr! The cookie bars, first batch I made, were quite hard (we made them too thick so they were back-teeth-biters) but we found they were fanTAStic dipped in coffee (softened right up, made taste yum!). The newest batch, while thinner, are kinda flaky – I think I’m going to try not melting the butter next time (I’m such a lazy baker!). They’re so easy and so yummy I’m positive they’re a new addition to our baking menu. As is the lasagne to our regular menu. Bit more work but it makes 4 meals!

Brief Moment of Ethan (moments ago, that is). He’s almost outgrown those overalls and they were a Christmas present!

#1
Why am I so damned depressed? MRRR!

#2
I feel…unsatisfied? unfulfilled? right now. I love my husband, I love my son, I’m grateful that we’re able to live as we do (comfortably) and that I’m able to stay at home to raise our child(ren). So what’s wrong with me then? Possibly that I’m focusing entirely on other people (again) and not doing much of anything for myself. Problem is that for the time being, that’s the way it has to be. I can’t really do anything for me that I might want to, not that I know what I’d want to anyways. Ethan’s too young and I’m not willing and we can’t afford unnecessary child care. We’ve only got one vehicle and Ken needs it to commute to work with and Ethan’s not healthy enough for public trips anyways. It’s winter, so it’s not like I can go for walks – though I really couldn’t anyways because we have gravel roads and the stroller wouldn’t really make it (not happily, at least).

Hopefully I can have a better day, having gotten this out of my head.

Some good things in life right now. I finished Ken’s socks yesterday and surprised him with them. He was very surprised (when did you have time to do these?!) and very pleased.

Ethan’s now constantly reaching for and batting at and grabbing toys in front of him with both arms. He’s sitting up well – though can’t keep his balance yet (but is improving). He’s transfixed with anything hanging from the ceiling. The ceiling fan/light in the living room (and we have a vaulted ceiling) is his favourite. Every so often he’ll glance up and grin at it. (??) Weirdo. He also stares at the chandelier in the dining room (where all his stuff is).

Serene Little Man (he’s tired, see the red rimmed eyes?) He rarely cries. Mostly when he’s angry with his bum (we’re still having some digestive struggles, though nothing serious) or cranky because he’s over-tired. He fights going to sleep if he can (and he can). Otherwise, he doesn’t cry when he’s hungry (well, maybe if he’s starving, but that never happens), he doesn’t cry when he’s wet/dirty (though he tries to get away from his bum when he’s dirty, which can be really funny). He doesn’t cry when he wants attention. He’ll vocalize and make sounds like he’s upset, but he’s just making sounds. Overall he’s a pretty good baby. He’ll amuse himself sometimes for quite a bit of time just by sucking his hands/fingers and making sounds or batting at his toys. He actually *needs* quiet/alone time every day – usually in the afternoon. He may or may not sleep, but he needs to be in his bassinette (I’ve used the car carrier and a blanket draped overtop in necessary situations), alone and without stimulation (aka people or toys). Doesn’t bother me any since it gives *me* some alone time.

This was last night. He’d had his rattle in one hand, brought his hands together, then dropped the rattle. It sat on his face for several minutes before he looked up and it fell off. It was pretty funny. He also (without warning me, sneaky little devil!) had it in one hand at one point, and the next I looked down (I’d glanced at the tele) he had it in the other hand! Purely coincidence/happenstance, I’m sure, but still… it’s a move in the right direction!

Right now he’s making whiney sounds like he wants out of the chair and to take his morning nap. I’d best go.

Or at least moments of them. Current fear: something happens to Ken. When it was just me, I could take care of myself. I’ve done it before. I’ve been out of the job market for a long time, yeah, but temp work pays the bills until something more permanent comes along. Past experience can be very reassuring. But what about now? I’ve got Ethan, and again comes the distanct from the job market. How would I get work? How would I get work that would pay enough for him as well as myself? What if something should happen after we’ve had more kids? Further from the market, more mouths to feed. I don’t have anyone in my own family that I could lean on. Everyone I’d go to died. I’d have Ken’s family, but they’re still his yet, not mine. I know that’s my own fault – I’m not ready yet to let people get close to me. It was too soon before, and now… I’ve put up walls that I’m not ready to fell yet. But I’d not have a choice in the matter. They’re the only people I’d have to lean on until I found my feet. If something happened to Ken… that would be a long time.

I don’t want to think about it, but I’m scared not to. Most everyone I love keeps dying. It’s always the scenarios that I *don’t* think about that happen. I hate feeling like this.

Mkay, so the early intervention ladies just left. They were terribly impressed at how good a baby Ethan is, at how well developed he is (right on target) and at how big (Jean) and cute (Sue) he is. Sue (the actual intervention therapist) said that she thinks we have great instincts for his development – what to look for, what to expect as normal baby stuff, etc – which was nice to hear. She left some literature for me to read (stuff on how to help develop different areas/functions) and is going to continue sending me age-specific literature as he grows. They’re going to come back in a few months (unless something goes wrong and we decide he needs more help than us) to do another check. Mostly because it’s nice to have the confirmation that we’re all ok – beyond and despite parental bias.

We had a good weekend. Ken got done everything on his list, and I almost got all mine done. I think there’s still some laundry whispering my name somewhere and I never got those cookies baked, but c’est la vie. Ethan weighs 11.6lbs now. Chunky gained 9oz since last sunday. I think he was making up for not gaining anything for a week two weeks ago. He’s not growing as tall as to stick to his growth chart line, but we’re not worried as of yet. I’m confident he’ll catch up – can’t grow at the exact same rate every week forever!

We got dumped on with snow this weekend, but not too badly. Foot and a half, maybe? Very dealable.

I’ve made our appointment for Ethan to have his CAT scan done Feb 1. I’m going to try and contact the NICU to see if Denise is working that day and can visit for a few minutes with us. Dr. Morabito too, if he’s around. Ken mentioned that he wanted to call Chris about some billing thing, so maybe he’ll bring it up.

Wonder what I was going to make for dinner tonight… hmm…

Mkay, one:

I can’t wait to be pregnant again. I *loved* it, despite the worry and occasional uncomfortableness. Despite the risks to myself and my baby. I really loved being pregnant. I felt beautiful and fulfilled and purposeful. I can’t wait until August.

two:

I don’t really understand the whole deal with 1st birthdays. Now, I know this has to do with the fact that birthdays were always quiet affair’s in my house – cake, special dinner, few presents. If we ever had a party, it was around 8-10 years old and still wasn’t that huge of a deal that I remember. I know that part of my confusion comes from me not being able to remember the first few birthdays and not having anyone I can ask about them. My mind asks, though, if the baby isn’t going to remember it, who’s it for? I didn’t want Christmas to be a big deal for that same reason. Ethan won’t remember it, doesn’t care, and would just (and did) get upset/stressed at the over-stimulation.

I know that Ken’s family makes a *huge* (seriously – way WAY over-much) deal about birthdays and that I can’t escape that even though I would really like to (the whole idea makes me uncomfortable). I’m trying to understand the whole deal before I’m faced with it and the family thinks I don’t love my son simply because I don’t want to make a huge deal of his birthday. I’d rather live every day well and with love, than have one day be that much extra special and live the rest not as much. I’d like birthdays to be quiet and intimate. We’ve already warned people that if they give too many gifts we’re not going to let him/them unwrap them on his actual day – we’ll wait until a rainy day to do so when they’re bored. Honestly, birthdays don’t mean much to me now. I suppose they did when I was younger since it was *my* day, but I don’t need that anymore. I’d rather it be our kids own day(s) by letting them do what *they* want, not what *I* want or what any other family member wants or what they think they ought to do simply because it’s what they’ve always done on their birthday (like have a party).

I don’t really understand New Year’s either.

I’ve been thinking about food this morning. More to the point I’ve been thinking about improving my diet. Not that it’s bad, mind, but there’s always room for improvement.

I read ( this article ) (cut because it’s long, not linked because I wanted to keep it for future info) about Omega-3 fatty acids. Did you know they help prevent depression? They increase the amount of seratonin in your brain. On that note, I’m going to increase them in my diet. 2 servings of tuna a week is easy to incorporate into my diet – I like tuna sammiches. I’m also thinking about adding flax (ground) into my bread recipe. Already we use olive oil exclusively, though we still eat margarine occasionally. I saw a thing that suggested to eat well you should stay out of the middle of the grocery store and stick to the sides and back. Makes a lot of sense, actually. The only things I buy from the middle are pasta, oatmeal, baking supplies, rice, soup, crackers, and ice cream. All good for you!