I keep telling myself that, about how I’m feeling.  It’s not real.  These emotions aren’t real.  This is temporary and things will improve.  The thoughts aren’t real.  Not real.  Not.Real.

I’m, relatively, a happy person.  Optimistic, problem-solver, silver-lining person.  This depression?  Not me.  I know that.  I’m still rational, which is partly the hardest part since I can’t throw myself into this dark place with all my self.  I have the boys to take care of.  I have a house to “run”.  I have to take care of myself so that I can be here for them and Ken.  Besides, even if you’re thinking “yeah, but you have to take care of you first!”… I don’t know how to anymore.  I don’t know how to make myself happy.  I have no interest in reading or knitting or cooking.  I don’t want to go for a walk or exercise.  I don’t want to go to Child’s Park and reconnect myself.  My rational mind says I should, that it might help.  I just don’t care.  I don’t think I care much about anything anymore.  And that rational part?  It keeps saying “just wait it out… you’ll feel better… this is temporary… this isn’t real.”

I’m trying my best to not think too much about the negative thoughts I have.  They’re rampant in my head, but I’m doing my best to distract myself.  Sometimes I want to talk about them, but what’s the point when it won’t help me feel better or take them away; it’ll just scare whomever I’m telling.  They don’t necessarily scare me, though my rational side says they aren’t healthy.  The part that does scare me is that the line between what I think and what I act upon doesn’t seem so thick as it did before.

I know there are solutions.  Therapy, exercise, fresh air, medication.  Those are problems, though, too.  I don’t have the time for therapy or exercise (or the money or contacts for a babysitter), it’s winter and that fresh air is damned cold.  Medication seems the most plausible, but that means dr’s appointments to regulate and taking both boys out to a dr’s office is… not a good thing.

So I’m going to wait and see.  No need to rush into anything.  Like a dream, it’ll just fade away once I wake up.

Dep 5/12 (Sat)

Ret 5/25 (Fri)

I don’t even know how to respond/react since I’m having another low point in the depression cycle (I’m keeping track of them, now, to see how bad it is/isn’t).

I’ve been thinking about it’s affect on people this morning.  Mostly because this morning I realized something.  Up until my Mother died I handled emotional stress a certain way.  After she started getting sick and once she died I handled it very differently; likely due to walls being put up in my mind.  Ever since Ethan was born I’ve started reverting to that original manner.  I cry more, I visibly take things harder, etc.  On the surface it’s not a good thing.  I appear weaker, emotionally.  So where to go from here?  Do I consciously start putting walls up again?  Is that what being an adult is?  Having more walls up than a child does?

Another thought path I’ve had this morning is how I view the afterlife.  I started reading my Intro to Buddhism last night and it spoke for a bit about reincarnation and karma.  Some religions believe in a heaven/hell for your soul, some believe in a nothing, some believe in reincarnation.  When I think about the heaven/hell scenario, the strongest thought in my mind is wondering how all those souls from all of time would fit?  It’d be awfully busy, in my mind, and it seems to be rather wasteful to only use a soul for one lifetime.  Reduce, reuse, recycle?  I’m not able to believe in the “nothing” scenario either, since that seems like an enormous waste and I do believe there’s a higher power at work in the existence of life.  What about reincarnation, then?  Is it like the Buddhists think where you’re sent to another body, randomly through the world, to start anew (with the cumulation of your karma affecting how/where/etc)?  I’d like to think that linked souls stay close enough together to continue crossing paths through various lifetimes.  I do believe people are fated to meet, so then wouldn’t that fate continue in the next lifetime?

What do you think?

Sharon visited this weekend and left just a bit ago, Ethan and Victor are both napping; the only sound I hear is the keyboard (too loud!) and cpu fan.

We visited the house but they’re now locking it (how rude!). I did, however, see an electrical subcontractor van there the other day and they removed a few more trees to make space to put in the pole for our power. They’ve also started doing the siding, which should be done by next weekend. I anticipate that, beyond inspections (next one scheduled for March 19th’ish but more likely April 19th’ish), next weekend will be the last photo and Construction Log entry for a while.

Ken and I got out, by.our.selves, twice this weekend. I know. Saturday we drove up to Middletown and spent money. Many books for us (yay!), many clothes for the boys (much needed but cheap cause of sales!). My books, which I much anticipate digging into once I’ve finished Kushiel’s Avatar (again – waiting for the mass market paperback for Scion – May 1!) were Introduction to Buddhism and The Complete Tarot Reader. The manga we’ll share between us (two most recent Loveless, Chibi Vampire, Black Cat, and Rozen Maiden for just Ken (it didn’t catch my interest). We had lunch and relaxed and had a great time together. Ken realized buying old, used console games in EB just wasn’t the best option and has been bidding on eBay. Therefore I am authorized to ebay myself a swift and ball winder. Life is happy-good. Sunday we skipped out again, this time to go grocery shopping (naughty!).

So now things are quiet.  I’m enjoying that, and dreading when Ethan wakes from his nap because he’s going to flip.out when he learns that Grammy went home. (I suggested the idea earlier today and he did and she was right there!)

Next on our plates is getting Ethan transitioned to a regular bed because Victor badly needs the crib (big boy!) and getting Ethan potty trained.  Simple, right?   I’m not sure which we should do first.  My instincts say the bed first, since he’ll have potty regressions once he’s in the big bed and then I wonder what’s the point, plus it gives me more time before having to deal with the whole potty issue.  With a baby to take care of, how’m I going to have the time to potty train Ethan??

Went better than expected as far as screaming his everloving head off at the shots (briefly, then quieted down – he screams louder and longer if we look at him funny sometimes).  At 2.5mo he’s 15lbs 2.5oz (95%) and 24″ long (90%), so even though he’s huuuge, he’s proportionate.  This weekend Ken and I are going to Target to get the convertible car seat that Ethan also has.  Victor will be too tall for his in exactly 1m if he continues on his current growth curve.  Oy!

Wayne, Ken’s father, visited this weekend and met his newest grandson for the first time. He would have visited sooner but Janis’ mother passed away shortly after his birth and things have been rather rough for the family. We had a nice weekend. Time to talk and catch up on goings on, time for play with Ethan, time for play with Victor, time to go shopping and buying a new chair for Ethan (we settled for the Thomas one, since it was much better than Barbie or the vibrating Elmo and he liked it the best over the smaller chair’s) as well as legos and yet.more.cars. He’s been spoilt this weekend.

That being said, he’s made some really great leaps in communication, so he’s earned it. We’ve had longer sentences “is time go outside car?” was today’s feat. We’ve had a lot more “I” at the start of statements, and a lot less extra words tacked on to answering “yes” (ie “ok. yes. please. ok”). He’s getting better at asking for specifically what he wants, especially when given 2 choices to pick from (I let him choose between “tubbies” or “lions” – Teletubbies or Between the Lions – shows after lunch, choices of food, etc). There are still, more than we’d like, times when he gets it in mind to just whine and no matter how much we try to convince him to tell us what he wants or what’s wrong, he’ll just whine louder. We’ll keep working on those, though.

As for me, I continue to struggle with the stress of the two boys. Ken came home early friday afternoon to help me because I’d called him, sobbing and freaking out. I didn’t ask him to come home, but he surprised me by walking in the door 45mins later “to help out”.  It did.  It’s always a huge help when there’s someone else here.  I’m 99% certain it’s not PPD, which sucks because I could do something about that (meds). Simply put, the combination of little sleep and a willful toddler who’s losing his nap (trust me, this is a huge deal), and a colicky baby are pushing me to the breaking point. I’m managing, but barely. If things were different… if we lived where there were cheaper daycare, if we lived in a more urban environment (closer to people, shopping, parks, civilization), if we lived closer to family/friends… it’d be easier. However we don’t and it’s not something I can quickly change. In fact, none of the solutions I’ve come up with to help things have ended in anything but a big wall, and that’s frustrating too. Normally I’m a solution-finder, and there’s no solution to this but to endure. Things will improve. They will they will they will. They have in a tiny amount. They will get better still.

As with all things…

Not much external changes this week. Garage doors are up, that’s about it. Inside work has begun, though. We have some plumbing done: the waste lines are in, and the master shower and the boys bathtub/shower unit are in. We’ll see if my big bathtub is in next weekend. All in all, not too much to report.

My first sigh of relief this morning and it’s already 10 o’clock.  Not the best day, to be sure.  Little is cranky because he didn’t sleep well last night (and the sky is blue), Mr. Man is cranky because he’s 2 and it’s a painful age to be, apparently.  I’m cranky because I’m tired and stressed, Ken’s cranky for the same reason.

…I’m back, rescuing myself from Ethan playing in the dining room (where I finally got Victor to sleep after bouncing his bouncy seat for 45mins) and then playing with his lego’s enough to get him interested in that.  For now.

Suffice it to say life is a tad stressful right now.  Every moment of the day is marked by anticipation of something negative happening: baby wakes up (end of blessed quiet time), toddler gets hungry/thirsty/bored and starts whining/acting up/yelling/screaming, baby gets gas/hungry/poops/pees/bored/tired/awake/confined/unconfined and starts to scream, baby’s been screaming so will therefore spit up almost everything I give him for min 6hrs after screaming ends, toddler misses Mommy and starts doing the “I’m lonely” whine and trying to climb into Mommy’s lap at most inopportune moments (aka when lap is full of baby), time to wake up and start a night shift, need to pee while someone/two are crying, changemefeedmeloveme.  No rest for these wearies.
We realized a while ago that things are much harder with Victor and his colickyness, than they were with Ethan and his high-needs preemieness.  We’re testy with each other these days; snapping responses and being moody from how tired we are.  Typically, when things start to really get rough, something happens to give us a slight reprieve and we’re able to reconnect and start over in the “stress-build-up” cycle.  I think we missed our interchange, though.  All that can be done right now, for us and for the boys, is to take a lot of deep breaths, get through the moment, and wait.  The “better” is around the corner.  I’m sure it’s right… over… there…..

Well, we had enough snow yesterday to require shoveling.  Lots of it.  Fine, because it’s something I’ve always enjoyed (yeah, cray-zee).  I realized, however, that the hat I knit myself a few years ago is inadequate.  It’s super warm, double-knit, and really cute… but too short.  I end up wearing a fleece headband underneath it to keep my ears and upper neck and forehead covered.  The Klein hat I knit for Ken (same double-knit, nice colours, super warm) is definitely long enough for his head, so my mind is wrapped around redesigning the hat I’ve got.  It’s all scrap/cheap yarn, so that’s a big plus (I’ve got lots of extra too).  The problem lies in that 1) I haven’t time to knit much, b)my stash is all boxed away.

Well, the design will require some thinking anyways, so maybe I can stall myself from needing to make it for a while.  As is, I’ve got two pair of socks started, a pair of ballet slipper thingies, and a few other items.  I should finish up some of those first… as much as I’d like to skip on to the next thing.  Knitters ADD… we all have it, we all hate it.

I ordered snow, rain, and wind today to ensure Ken and I could spend the day together. Mother Nature obliged (she’s so considerate!) and Ken’s work was closed. We had a good day, though the boys choose to do their best to be pure evil. All the same, we got a chance to lay down and nap together (for 20 whole minutes before Victor woke up!) and I had the time to make the V-day dinner I wanted to for Ken: Thai Green Curry Beef with rice and Chocolate Pudding Cake. Both new recipes, both turned out great. The curry I’ll be making some changes to, since it didn’t taste like it should have (but was still yummy) and the cake I’d made before but wanted to make little individual ones in ramekins and it worked but I had too much water in the bath and the bottoms were a tiny bit underdone (though that’s where the “pudding” is so it wasn’t a problem).  I did the cliche and got Ken a card, as well as one from the boys.  Normally I wouldn’t from the boys because I believe V-day is about romantic love, not all love.  That may change, though, now that I have kids.  I’m not sure yet.
Ken will return the love, in some manner of his own making, one month from today on White Day. I’m looking forward to what he’ll surprise me with. Mine was supposed to be a surprise (the Thai dish, it’s his favourite) but it ended up not being. The cakes were a surprise, though, so I’m pleased about that.

Victor:

8am-8:25

9:45am-10 (sense the typical pattern, here)

11:30-1:30 (wha?)

wake only for food and snooze through eating

2pm-3:30

wake screaming mad at bum, soothed by Mommy and food, conk out again

4pm-?

It’ll never happen again, I’m sure, but wow and yay are my two words of the day.

I confirmed this morning with a combination of prying his mouth open and then, since that was *so* successful, a series of “stick your tongue out at Mommy”s and “look up high!”s to see deep into Ethan’s mouth.  Two reasons.  One, to be sure his teeth still look good (they do) and to see what those last, back molars are doing.  Well, they’re doing alright.  On his left side the top one is fully through (though still has a bit to come out), and the bottom one is almost fully through.  The right side has something under the surface on the top and nothing showing yet on the bottom.  It’s about the right time (tad late, but so were his first teeth) for these last teeth to come in, and figures they’ll come through and finish and Victor will start teething in a few months.   We had a feeling his molars were finally going to appear, since lately he’s occasionally grabbed his mouth/jaw while eating (or ear) and whined at us but not said what was bothering him.  Teething has never bothered Ethan horribly much, other than increased saliva and whining.  Let’s hope that trend continues with Victor!

Ken asked me the other day if I’m unhappy with our regular menu.  I’m constantly adding new dishes to try, you see.  I said that no, I love our menu.  The reason I’m always adding in new things is three-fold.  I do like the variety.  Grant that I don’t get bored easily and could happily live on very limited fare for a long time, but I like having new flavours and styles and textures to try.  Two is that I like to challenge myself and learn new techniques and what flavours compliment each other that I may or may have tried otherwise.  It’s a learning experience.  Third is that cooking is something I know I do well.  I know I can give good food to my family, and good, healthy food is an important part of a healthy life.

I feel I need to apologise.  So often I find myself thinking about my journal… wishing I could beam thoughts from my head to the computer to save for later.  Questions to ask you.  Ponders to save.  Moments to cherish with you.  Instead I find myself writing out the minutia… the boring details of our life.  I sit to type out my entries and forget the important things that happened during the day.  I hate that.

Tonight, because he was exhausted and way over-tired, I lounged out in Ethan’s room, on his poof chair, with him on my chest at bedtime.  Lights out, no sound but his water white noise machine.  Normally he makes loads of noise and moves all over the place.  He squirmed, but stayed where he was and snuggled up on me.  It was as though he’d have been happy to stay that way all night (likely he would have) and that was a very tangible thing.  I miss snuggling with him more.  I try throughout the day, to get lots of hugs and kisses.  I give him little touches to let him know I’m thinking of and loving him.  I love him so much.  He is my treasure, he is my sunshine.

Victor has started feeling tickles now.  In his chest, and he’s not quite sure what to make of it yet.  Not like it’s hard to make him laugh.  He loves smiling and laughing.  He laughs every time I do at him, and laughs just when he’s happy.  His smile is so spontaneous and huge and addictive.  I lay him on the floor, get on my knees with my elbows on the floor on either side of his head and my face right over his and I smile and laugh and talk to him… just for those smiles.  He finds it funny when I stick my tongue out at him, and tries to do the same.

Ken is such a wonderful father and husband.  Not that that needs to be repeated, but it does.  Without my asking or even him asking if I’d like it, he takes over the care of Victor for almost the entire weekend to give me a break.  He orders me out of the house sometimes.  He rubs my back when we have a half moment to snuggle while the boys are both asleep or when we stand in the kitchen and hug.  He listens to me bitch and whine and repeat the same bitches and whines over and over, without complaint or asking me to shut it.  That, despite his being a man and only wanting to hear about things he can  actually fix.

After all of this is said, I wonder what you think?  Do you tire of the minutia?  Of the sometimes emotional gushing?  I wonder if my children will value what I write.  I hope they will, in some way.  There’ll be a lot for them to go through, and in a way I regret that.  I guess I’m like most parents to their kids, in that sense.  I wish I could do better, but all I can give is all that I am; and I do, and hope it’s enough.

*sigh*

I’ve figured out that Ethan’s not-sleeping-ness must be a sleep regression.  He’s about the right age for another, though they’ve never struck him this badly before.  It’s making life difficult since he’s tired and cranky all day… and a toddler.  Victor has good days and bad days, but we’re managing.  He’s fitting perfectly into 3-6m clothes now, and outgrowing some of them.  He’s got a long torso and kinda short legs.  He now weighs 14.5lbs (95% percentile) and is 23″ long (50% percentile).  Ken and I have switched overnight shifts for now.

Next weekend Ken will have President’s Day off (his company’s exchange for not doing Easter), and Wayne is coming to visit for Sat and Sun (which’ll be his first time meeting Victor).

The weekend after that, Sharon is visiting.  It’s the longest she’s ever gone without seeing Ethan, because of things that’ve come up the past few weeks.  I know she’s been going a bit crazy with missing them.

We’ve been talking a bit about possibly following through with our idea to go on a special vacation for our 5th Anniversary (not this year, next).  We’re thinking about Ireland/Scotland and something between 1-2wks.  It’ll depend on what kind of package we can find (looking at a tour of some sort) and whether we’d be able to find someone to watch the boys for us.  We’ve both been feeling the need to get the heck away from life right now (yay new parenthood!), and even a short getaway is very tempting in the short term, but we’re not comfortable doing that until things improve a lot more with Victor.  They will, though, I know that much.