I just finished a chat with Ken.  Things aren’t going well and he suspects they’ll ask him to stay another week or more.  Tomorrow I’ll be calling our credit card people to extend our card (work reimburses, but we’re strapped already), which I know they’ll do.  The problem isn’t money, though.  The problem is me.  The problem is the things I don’t feel comfortable sharing, directly, with my husband (yet can with the faceless internet in the delusion that I’m just talking to myself).  I’m not comfortable sharing because it means asserting my needs over someone else’s.  Even if that ’someone else’ is his work.  (Plus it sounds all whiny/dramatic in my head.)

How do I describe the anxiety that’s been building, cresting and waning but always building, since the moment Ken said he had to go to China (weeks ago).  How do I describe the panic attacks I’ve been having this past week.  How do I explain why I’m upset enough right now that if I were to start talking aloud I think I might vomit?  How do I stop the tears when I think about having to explain to Ethan that Daddy isn’t coming home on Saturday.  I’ve been counting down the days with him.  We have a calendar on the fridge that tells how many more “sleeps” until Daddy’s home and we cross off each day so that Ethan understands.  I told him, today, about his upcoming birthday and how instead of a party (he instantly expects a party) we were going to a special place with rollercoasters (he’s been talking about them lately) and a pool and a merry-go-round.

Every time a car goes by the house and sounds like it’s coming up the drive (when they slow at certain points as we’ve learned to listen for) either Ethan or Victor (or both) look up and say that it’s Daddy coming home.  Every time I get Victor out of bed (morning or naptime) he tells me that Daddy’s downstairs and as I walk down the stairs with him in my arms he leans to peak around the corner; certain to see Ken’s face.  He’s never upset at the lack, not overtly, but he expects it every.single.time.

I don’t think the time apart is permanently damaging any of us.  I’m not about to go jump in the river.  It’s a storm and I’ve weathered worse than this.  I’ll post this, if only to get it out of my head, but I hope Ken doesn’t read it.

Therein lies the last “how do I?”.  How do I reconcile all this hurt and stress with not wanting to influence Ken’s reaction to his work’s request that he stay?  If he has to he has to, and I don’t want to make it harder on him.  I’ve never understood why his management team makes decisions that they do.  I won’t understand why they want him to stay this time, either, unless something goes wrong with his project while he’s there and he can fix it right then and save the day.  Those odds seem… steep, to me.  So I don’t understand.  All I know is what I feel.  All I know is that Ken and my relationship confuses me in how vital it is.  I don’t understand how, years after we began, it’s so hard to breathe when he’s not near me.

I don’t know where he learned to do them, we didn’t teach him and I don’t know that I’ve seen any of the shows he watches do them, but he somewhere learned the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” (though he never makes it all the way through, preferring to skip the bananas and go straight for “orange” and then riotous laughter).  I did, however, teach him my father’s favourite Knock Knock joke, which, when I first told it to him, caused shock at the truth/funny of the joke, followed quickly by riotous laughter and his instantly remembering the joke and telling me it over and over.  It’s still funny to me.

Knock Knock

It’s cloudy today; thunderstorms off and on.  I’ve always found that I’m more likely to feel disconnected on days like today.  What day is it?  What time is it?  Is there a world out there?  Rather like being just past the sickest point of being sick with the flu – when you’re finally starting to get better but still wiped and mildly fuzzy about reality.

Do you ever feel like this?  What do you do to combat it?

So this past spring I made myself a humble little squash bed.  Nothing fancy, not expecting much.  Of the 12 summer squash seeds I planted, a surprising 10 germinated.  I left them be until they made clear to me they needed to be thinned out.  With extra space to spare and not wanting to be wasteful and just toss them, I transplanted the scrawnies into their own, fancy, new bed.  Apparently they liked that since they’re now the more productive plants.  Go figure that.  However, they were a mixed bag of summer squash.  I’ve got typical zucchini and some yellow summer squash, and a new one to me that I’ve never seen before but is so pretty!  Anybody recognize it?

I guess we’re lucky in that we have a lot of bees (but not so many wasps, yay!), since I always see them around the flowers.  I have some cucumbers too, but they’re going slowly.  They’re a new variety to me too, since I’ve never grown white ones.  I think that’s what they are.  Small and stubby and very pale.  I don’t even know when to harvest the few there are!

My experimental herbs, planted a few weeks ago, are doing well.  Basil’s coming up, oregano’s coming up, cilantro’s thinking about it.  The spearmint’s just sitting there, though, which surprises me.  Peppermint, too, isn’t doing anything (though the actual peppermint plant I planted is doing fantastically).  Funny, since mints are highly aggressive.  I hope they pick up soon since I’ve planted them on either side of the lettuce Sharon gave me (that I harvest weekly for a salad) to try and protect the lettuce from the ever-gutsy deer.

For Mother’s Day (and our anniversary and my birthday and possibly Christmas ) Ken got me a treadmill.  I haven’t mentioned it because if I end up being a big failure with it I’d rather not have to cop to it.  I’m a coward, in that way.  However, since we set it up I’ve been walking on it.  Every other day or so, trying to not beat myself up about too frequent “or so’s” when they happen, but enough to get things pumping without hurting myself.  Easing myself into it.  The first two times I went on it I wore my gym shoes.  Expensive and have always served me well and I’ve treated them well so they’re still in great shape.  However, old problems with my body cropped up.  Arch of my foot hurting.  Knee aches, shin splints, etc.  I decided to try barefooting.  The difference was remarkable.  After the first time my feet didn’t hurt in the least, my knees didn’t ache, no shin splints, nothing.  It felt great, and I haven’t looked back.

The past week, after an especially hard day with a lot of pent up emotion, I decided to try running.  Not fast, but enough that it qualifies as running/jogging.  It was hard, but surprisingly enjoyable.  I’ve done it twice since then and each time is a bit easier and more enjoyable.  I’ve switched my exercise time to evening and found that, perhaps due to sleeping afterwards, my hips don’t ache anymore.  I never EVER thought I’d be one to run.  When I do my face turns beet red and I look like I’m going to pass-out.  I tend to feel it too.  But without shoes, just thick socks, it’s different.  It’s easier.  It’s something, I think, I’m going to keep doing.

If you run, may I recommend barefeet?  Start slow, but be ready to be surprised.

Well, Ken just left.  His flight doesn’t leave til 3pm so he’s got books and music and puzzles to occupy him.  And work, if he can preserve the battery of the laptop.  He won’t arrive til almost 7am (our time).  I hope he can get some sleep on the flight and adjust his sleep schedule.

I’m doing well with the being alone for the next 10 days.  10 sleeps, we keep telling Ethan.  I think Ken wanted him to appreciate the gravity of it, but I’m not sure he does.  Then again, after the car drove off and the door shut both Ethan and Victor opened up and screamed in anguish.  Perhaps Ken could hear *that*.  I’m wearing my big-girl panties today, so I’m not crying or desperately lonely yet.  I hope the next week and a half go quickly, though.  I feel a bit empty inside…

So he’s going tomorrow.  They found their problem and know how to fix it yadda yadda.  Perhaps it’ll give Ken some work to do while he’s there, since he normally just sits around and doesn’t do much.

I’ll be honest and say that I’m kinda glad he’s going.  Not that I’m glad he’ll be gone, but it’s an end to the “is he/isn’t he going” question and, hopefully, a longer break before he ends up going again (there I’ve just jinxed myself and he’ll have to go back soon).  It maybe means a lighten up of his work sometime soon, or not.  It means he’ll be back for Ethan’s birthday, which I know he wanted.  Maybe it means his product will be an amazing success and he’ll get a whopping raise that’ll make life easier until we leave.  It means I can be slovenly about dinner ready and go to bed when I want and knit all night long if I want (these are all enormously minor issues).  I can spend my evenings wrapping up soaps and putting them on the internets for sale (well, pictures and prices at least).  It means I can be as selfish as a Mother-of-two can be.

It means I have to drag both their butts with me when I finally get my prescription filled this week, and to the dr to re-examine Victor’s not-clearing-up pink eye.  It means I’m going to be crazy lonely and mildly bored.

Mostly it means I’m, daily, getting more and more frustrated and angry with Ken’s work and how they’re making my life miserable so.damned.hard.  I hate them so very much.  I hate what they’re doing to Ken and what they’re doing to our family.  I can’t believe all workplaces are like this?  Am I just being a whineypants?

Victor just came to the office door and said “MAmee!” with that expectant tone barely-speaking kids have.  I turned around and said “Yes, Victor?”.  He turned slightly, holding out his arm toward the side and said “Ee-ee” (his way of saying ‘Ethan’).  The message?  ‘Mommy!  Ethan’s doing something!’

*le sigh*

I figured I’d have a bit more time before the tattling began from the smaller-peanut gallery.

On Friday, Ken’s work was toying with us.  They gave him the option, let *him* choose, whether he wanted to go to HK on Sunday instead of Tuesday.  They’ve never let him choose before, and it threw us for a spin.  A few hours later, though, they discovered that a portion of Ken’s project – one that he didn’t do himself – had a problem.  A big problem.  Ken spent Saturday at work and they still hadn’t fixed it (he and several other people were working on it).  Today he goes into work, trying to fix it and we’ll find out whether he’s even going to HK on Tuesday or not.  If this problem isn’t fixed they can’t go into pre-production which is when he needs to be there.  If it’s not fixed the product gets pushed back (yet again) and Ken’s stressed that it won’t make the deadline of the client and then they can’t sell it and then what was the point of it.  He’s been enjoying working on it, proud of it, and these problems are sour lemons.  He’ll end up going to HK eventually, but if it’s not tomorrow then he won’t be back for Ethan’s birthday and our trip to Dorney will have to be post-poned.  Not a big deal to me, or Ethan I expect, but Ken’s quite determined to celebrate this birthday on the actual day.

All this stress on Ken worries me, but we’ve talked about it and even should the worst-case-stress-scenario happen we’ll work through it (nervouse breakdown).  We’ve talked about what we each can do to make it easier for him to deal, we’ve talked about stress-management techniques (were this not a G rated blog I’d mention an odd one he has – it’s not what you think), we’ve talked about talking and about making sure to keep the lines of communication open between us (not that that’s typically a problem).  We’ll be ok.

We’ve also set a put-house-on-market goal for next spring.  We love this house so so very much, but it’s not a good working environment for Ken and truthfully it’s not the right environment we’d wanted to raise our kids in.  We’re going to spend as much spare time as we can in finishing up the house.  Some paint (kitchen, one office wall, upstairs baths, 1/2 of Ethan’s room, ceiling touch-ups where we missed the walls), the bonus room finishing (wiring, insulation, drywall, flooring, paint), possibly a deck out back.  I’ll do my best to tidy up the landscaping (spring bulbs, flowery annuals, general tidy-up).  We’ll consult a realtor and see if there’s anything else we need to do.   We’ll hope like hell that the market picks up and we can sell this house.  We’ll hope like hell that Ken can get a good job somewhere we’ll be happy.  We’re looking pretty hard at my homeland, to be honest.  Both of us (not just wishful thinking on my part).  VT would be lovely too, but there’s just no jobs there for Ken.  New England, in general, is pretty high on our peferance list.

*le sigh*

I love change, I do, but I’m really at a point where I want to put down perennials and see them flourish over years of growth.  I want to settle in and make long-term house and gardening decisions.  Not ones to help us sell a house.  I know things should settle down soon.  That chances are better we’ll be able to stay in the next place.  Best case scenario is it’ll be somewhere that, should Ken not be able to stand his job or need another one he’ll be able to find one, and I will too should I need to.

I’m rambling.  I’m soul-tired.  At least I have my knitting and soapy distractions to keep me from dwelling too long.  The boys are pretty good at distracting me too, you could say.

I think I’m going to easily become addicted to these amigurumi crocheted animals because they let me make cute things (!) from my existing stash of partly finished balls of yarn – so they’re cheap, immediate, cute and fun.  Yesterday, while Ken drove Ethan down to Allentown to see his eye doc (everything’s going well, his eye is responding perfectly) I made a little lovey for Victor.  A little turtle for him to sleep with and squish to his heart’s content.  He loves it.  Ethan loved it too, enough that I’m currently almost finished making him a little bunny, too.  I had almost the exact colours for Victors, but Ethan’s will be red with brown ears, tail and feet.

Ethan, lately, hasn’t exactly been earning his bunny points.  He must be going through a phase or spurt because he’s sleeping oddly (in the poof in his room, instead of the bed) and is being a general little badboy.  90% of what comes out of his mouth is negative.  “I don’t want…” or “NO! I don’t…”  Negative negative negative.  It’s wearing on us, definately.  Along with it he’s just generally being moody and uncooperative and pesky.  He’s bad, he knows he’s being bad, and he does it anyways.  I try to punish him in every way we have (I’ve been moving away from physical and more towards time-out and removal of priviledge punishment) but that only lasts a short while before he’s being bad again.  I don’t get it, and hope it passes quickly.

For Ethan’s birthday Ken will be taking the day off work (and likely drinking lots of coffee since it’s right about when his returning jet-lag will strike) and heading down to Dorney/Wildwater Kingdom.  We’ll ride some rides (yay carousel!) and spend the day splashing in their kiddie area.  It’s quite a nice park and we’ll have a lot of fun.  Several of Ken’s co-workers and their families are all coming too (all with kids in the same age range) so we should all have a blast.

Last little thing I was planning on mentioning is that Victors eyes have changed colour for us.  They turned pink. *le sigh*  It’d be easier if he didn’t flip right the heck out anytime we go near his eyes.  The drops are going in, and already we see improvement, but still.  I’ll be glad when we’re done.

Ken doesn’t have to go to Hong Kong on Friday!  He still has to go, but not until Tuesday and he’ll be back a week and a few days later.  YAY!  Hong Kong FOOEY!

Yet again I seem to have allowed my eyes to perceive something as smaller/more simple than it truly is.  I’ve bitten off (almost) more than I can chew.  Or rather, I’ve made a decision that’s tougher than it appears.  Not a huge deal, but it means shifting priorities.

This is all a long-winded way of saying that I’ve found an adorable thing to make for Ethan that he’s going to LOVE.  Lately he’s been using various toys to simulate drinking tea and serving myself and Victor and Ken tea.  He’s all about the tea.  So I looked for a cheap, not so girly, tea set for him.  No dice.  Instead, he’ll be getting this.  Cute, huh?  I’ve already got one full cup and saucer done in bright orange and part of the pitcher in bright blue, done.  The “biting off more than I can chew” comes from that it’s going to take me a bit longer than I’d anticipated to finish it and it occured to me that it’ll make a fantastic birthday present for him (we’re also taking him to Dorney/Water Kingdom).  He’ll love it.  If I can get it done in time (3wks).  I’d like to make four cups, instead of just two, so that we all have one.   This, on top of the Christmas stockings I’d wanted to get started on while Ken’s in HK means I’ll be busy.  I’ve also discovered Amigurumi and am just in love with them!  Kawaii!  I stumbled across a bunch of patterns (free – Lion Brand) and can’t wait to make some up for the boys!  I already whipped off a cute little angel fish that I converted into a bath mitt for the boys.  I’d show you a pic but we just redid the computer and Ken needs to re-find photoshop (and set up the ftp prog).

Plus I’m in the midst of making soap and more soap.  The big order that ended up getting stolen from Kate’s porch is still in limbo since they’d like to see some more samples and still sell my soap.  Fantastic, but I have zero inventory to send them so I’ve been working on getting soap made and cured to send for choosing.  I’ve got a list of batches to make, 7 more at this point, that I want to get done asap.  I’m hoping within the next few weeks.  Then I’ll have a nicely rounded variety to send them with 12 different choices available.  I’m hoping to take some pictures this week to put on my website with prices, should anybody decide they’d like to buy my soap before hell freezes over I get the website up.

Ken’s travel guru has said she should be able to have him back by the weekend before Ethan’s birthday, so we’re assuming he’ll be leaving in the next week or so (they typically go for 2wk’s). Thankfully it’ll be just 2wks. It’s silly that he goes at all since he’s never had any problems with his products while he’s been there in the past. He’s just that awesome.

I’m bummed, but my contingency plan is keeping my spirits up (as long as I don’t think too much about the logistics of how to bathe two squirmy, splashy, wriggly, screaming boys at the same time and dry them and dress them simultaneously). I’ll be ordering yarn on friday for our stockings (and some new needles for me, yay!). I’m pretty excited about making them, though I’m fairly sure they’ll lose that shiny new glow after the first one’s done. I’m proud of the design, though. It’s good. Ken helped (he designed the snowflake). It’ll be challenging (at one point I’ll have to unply one of the 4 ply’s of the yarn to get the guage I need for the lettering), but I love the colours and I love my family (even more). What colours, you ask? Ken’s will be dark red with a cream snowflake and lettering (and toe and heels). Mine will be dark purple with a lilac snowflake/letters/heel/toe. Ethan gets dark blue and light blue (they had a better light blue but it’s discontinued, boo!), Victor gets dark green and light green.

I also made Castile soap tonight. It should require a long time to cure, but we’ll see how that goes. I’m curious how it’ll feel, since it’s understood to be the most gentle handmade soap evar.  The fragrance I used is called ‘Fountain of Youth’ and though I often change the names I’m going to keep this one.

It’s that time again.  That time where, for 2-3wks, living here without a/c is truly miserable.  The rest of the summer we manage quite well, and I wouldn’t change things, but if we could figure out how to set up the one, window a/c unit we have so that us and the boys would benefit THIS would be that time.  Even now, it’s tempting to be selfish and set it up in our bedroom.  The boys are young, they’ll manage (or just be cranky all day for me which I could handle better if I could sleep at night!).

Small consolation is our energy bill last month dipped below $100 for the first time this year.  *tired yay*  We’ve been by-passing the dryer in favour of clothes racks, and soon we’ll likely set up some clothes lines in the unfinished bonus room (they’re currently moisturing up our bedroom and we’re not crazy about that).  I do laundry every other day, so the moisture is ever-present.  It sucks when it’s 55% outside and 70% inside.  That’s just wrong.

On the plus side, my squash bed is looking good, though small.  The cucumbers are looking even smaller but everybody has blossoms so YAY!  The mint that I was sure would die is growing like mad, and Sharon’s leaf-gift is doing really well too.  I’m experimenting with “will these actually grow?!” and this past weekend planted some more mint (two kinds), red basil, oregano, chives, cilantro, and the tomato plants from hell (I planted those seeds months ago and they’re still the tiniest, wimpiest looking things!!).  Just to see what happens.  I don’t expect much of anything, except maybe the mint, but we’ll see.  Oh, and I also planted some lemongrass in a corner, along with the roots of the choke-vines we have everywhere here, next to the eaves-trough by the garage.  I’m curious just how aggressive that puppy is and whether it’ll grow back from near death (I suspect it will).

I’m starting to realize that I need help with the website for my soaps.  Does anyone know anyone (or can anyone, themselves) program with PHP and/or OSCommerce?  I need the site up several months ago and I just.don’t.have.the.time. to figure it all out.  I’m sure Ken’ll yell at me for not doing it myself but I just *throws hands into air*

I’m willing to barter or pay (preferably the former, not so much the latter).

Jess recommended I take pictures of what I have and just put those up for now with prices and have people email me.  I can send proper invoices and take paypal/credit payments, just not the way a “proper” website should look (with a “shopping cart” and such).  I’m labelling soaps tonight, so perhaps the next sunny day I’ll take pictures and get things going, but still.  Stop.gap.solution.