I’ve recently found out that my ex has been reading my journal. When I first started doing this, I knew this might happen. It’s a public thing, and I was ok with the fact that people I may not want to read it may stumble upon it. I also wanted to stop being scared. I was afraid of him finding out what’s going on in my life. Why? Well, I guess fear had become a natural emotion attached with anything to do with him. Realistic? Yes and no. Mostly I’m confused as to why he’s reading it. Granted, I have a very different point of view of how things happened between us, but why would he want to know what’s going on in my life? Why won’t he let it go?

Last night I told Ken that I was ok if he reads it, and that it doesn’t bother me. I’m finding, today, that it does. I know it shouldn’t. Logical me says it doesn’t matter if he does read it or not. He can’t hurt me anymore. Am I afraid of his reading it? I don’t think so. Am I upset by it. Yeah, quite a bit actually. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want him watching from the side-lines either, whether cheering or jeering.

I think part of this arises because he emailed me the other day asking about the envelope of things of his that I found last weekend. I’m going to mail them next weekend, and feel good about that. However, he stated that he still has a box of my books (I figured he’d throw them out since he never “got around” to sending them to me 2 years ago). I don’t know, yet, what books they are, but I have my suspicions. If I’m correct, they’re books from my childhood; books I treasure and want to pass on to my kids. That means I have to depend on him to send them. That bothers me. From what I can tell (I skimmed his lj this morning) he’s not really changed much. He never was a dependable person, and I feel like getting my hopes up is just going to hurt me again in the end. It always has with him. That upsets me as well.

One good thing does come of this, though. When I send his envelope’o’stuff, I’m also going to include my wedding/engagement rings. I don’t want them, and they’re only worth the gold they’re made of (I had them appraised – they’re worthless). I don’t feel right giving them to anyone (excluding him), I can’t sell them, it wouldn’t be right to toss them, and I wouldn’t feel right selling them to anyone. This way, at least, he’ll have an entire matching set and can maybe take them back to the guy he bought them from and get something for them. All the power to him if he can.

So where does that leave me now? I refuse to start making my journal private, or friends-only. Family members wouldn’t be able to keep up to date then as easily as they can now, and I don’t want to be that way concerning him anymore. It’s so hard to drop those instinctive fears though, isn’t it?

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