Awefully nice, huh? We went to bed a bit earlier last night than usual, so we had more time to snuggle this morning before having to get up. It was very humid last night, so we had the fan on until 4:30 or so when I shut it off because I was cold.
Toilet broke this morning. The chain in the tank snapped in half. It’s a first for me. I’ll be workin’ my glute’s this morning going down to the one downstairs.
Jamie called last night. It was *not* a happy conversation. Lea’s asked that I come up for a week (two, preferably) while she’s in Vegas getting hitched. She wants someone here at all times for Dad, despite that he’s in the hospital healing and shouldn’t have so many visitors. She thinks that if she doesn’t visit, nobody will. I tried to explain to her (and Jamie) that in a month’s time he’ll be in a “normal” room and people *will* come to visit. Jess has asked many times if she can visit yet, or at the very least send flowers. She understands that ICU means “no”, so she’s anxious for him to have a “normal” room. Especially since I’m so far away, I know she’ll visit often once she’s allowed. And that’s just Jess, let alone the rest of our family and friends who live in London, and Virginia (Aunt) who’s been driving down very often (I don’t know how often – but almost daily) to see him. Even if he doesn’t get many visitors, it’s not the first time he’s been in the hospital. He knows that there are long, boring stretches where people don’t/can’t come. I’ve been there too; you just grin and bear it. Dad’s not going to keel over just from boredom. Lea and Jamie also don’t understand why I don’t want to come up for my own reasons. I’ve tried explaining, but they don’t seem able or willing to listen. Jamie’s notorious for that. If she doesn’t hear what she wants to hear (ie the same opinion/thought/decision she has) then she doesn’t hear anything. They don’t understand how stressful the 9hr drive up is; how very broke we are right now and can’t afford it; how stressful it would be for me to be away from Ken for so long; how stressful it’d be to be living in someone else’s house – in a very uncontrolled environment (which is important for my health and especially the health of the baby since it helps me control my sugars); and how hard it would be for me to get around. The stress parts don’t even register for them. They’ve never understood my anxiety problems. The money they said they’d lend me or Dad would – but getting further in debt isn’t going to help our financial situation right now. The getting around part – they think that because I don’t work that I’m instantly available for any and everything. Neither of them has children, and I don’t think they understand how tiring it is simply being. I’m sure that if I explained to them that I’m working as hard making baby bits right now, sitting here, as I was if I were not pregnant and running a marathon. Those aren’t my words or something I’ve just made up. I very much believe it to be true, too. However, they’d both just brush that off.
The very worst of it all is the fact that they don’t respect my right to choose differently than they think I ought. Lea wasn’t so bad about it, but Jamie refused to accept my decision and kept harping on about how I should do this or that and guilting me into changing my decision. Over and over to her I kept repeating that it’s my right to choose and this is my decision. That I know they don’t understand but I can’t explain it to them in a manner that they *would*. I was getting so upset and frustrated that I snapped and started yelling that I wasn’t going to talk to her about this anymore and the conversation was over. Had it continued I would have hung up on her. I think she understood that part, at least. I don’t yell at people. It’s not something I’m comfortable with and I know it doesn’t help any situation or make you feel any better. I hate that I did it. I’ve also never hung up on anyone. Not even telemarketers (well, ok, I did once but they wouldn’t leave me alone!). I’ve never done it to family. I’m very surprised that I almost did to Jamie. After I’d hung up it took me several moments to be able to talk again. I was breathing heavily and my heart was racing like I couldn’t believe. I’m still angry at her.
I’ve realized that I definately can’t continue communicating as we have, and acting as we have in the past with my sister. It’s not working, and I’m at a stage where I realize that I either need to take steps to change things or detach myself emotionally. Family is important, yes, but when it causes you this much stress and frustration and doesn’t give *any*thing in return to shift the balance in a more equal or positive manner…