Mkay, so I’m sitting here playing an online java game, enjoying myself (in one, unfortunately small, part of my brain) and scared out of my friggin’ wits with the rest of my brain. Why scared, Kel? Well, I’ll tell you. I can be honest with myself. Perhaps it’ll help exorcise this daemon. Not likely though. Ken’s my champion of that. Now, I know that with being pregnant my emotions are a little erratic. Not terribly much, but it’s happened a few times that I’ve felt over-exageratedly about something or other. Crying when I’m not *that* sad, angry when it wasn’t *that* bad, and now scared to bits when, rationally, I shouldn’t. I think.

So, I’m scared, for one of the few times in my life, for me. Not afraid of what I might do in any given situation, not afraid of what might happen to a loved one (and with my usual confidence in myself to get through it). I’m afraid for my sight, to be direct. I’m the kind of person who goes through scenarios, usually worst-case ones, and figures out how I’d deal with that given scenario. This helps me to feel less afraid of them because I’m “prepared”. As usual, it’s always the scenarios that I don’t consider that end up happening. I’d always prepared myself for eventual kidney failure, liver failure, amputation. I’ve not spent that much time thinking about my sight though.

When I was younger I’d do the “which sense would I rather lose?” thing, and it was usually a tie between sight and hearing. Given the possibility of losing my sight now, I’m still tied. I’m not scared so much for myself. I’m sure we’ll get by. It scares me though to know that I’m going to be that much more dependant on others. How will I work? How will I get around? How will I know what my daughter/son look like on their wedding day? That last one’s a crap shoot anyways, I know. There’s no guarantees in life, I know. I guess the part that scares me the most is how quickly retinopathy can progress in pregnant women. I can deal with things most easily when they happen over a longer period of time. I think that’s natural. I’ve read that pre-existing retinopathy needs to be checked monthly, by an Opth. I’ve read every 3 months. I’ve read that laser surgery is not a risk to the baby, and can help save the pregnant woman’s sight. That’s a relief, I suppose. I’ve read that laser surgery most times results in continued sight, though with deteriorated night vision and “glaring” problems. I can deal with that (assuming they’ll still let me drive, which they should). I’m scared that this will mean we can only have one child, which would be alright. We’ll adopt. But I’d like to have more than one, if possible.

I feel lost. I’ve got an appointment with the Retinologists on thursday at 9:30 in Middletown. I’m glad it’s so soon. Less time to worry. The receptionist sounded really nice, and I take that as promising. I just don’t know what to do. I never have a good, initial reaction to bad news. Yet knowing this doesn’t make me feel better.

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